But I meant it when I said I was tired of being "good". I'm tired of following these rules of decorum and modesty and morality that seem to hail from another century, or two. Back in the day marriage was a financial arrangement. Women needed men to provide for them and protect them while they bore and raised children. Men needed the help of the woman and their children, even members of each other's extended families to work farms or what have you. Women came with a significant dowry, money paid to her husband for her upkeep. But the husband owned everything in the relationship, and had the right to treat his wife however he wanted, short of actually killing her, although I wonder how much that happened and wasn't reported or prosecuted.
Times now are definitely different. We still have glass ceilings. But not nearly as many. Women can work outside their homes, and raise children in a wholesome environment, as I am doing right now. It isn't even like it was a few decades ago when women immediately remarried because there was no other way to not live in abject poverty. I live in relative poverty, true. But lets face it, I have HD cable and high speed Internet service. I use my air conditioner and I drive my own car. I am much better off then so many people in this town, country, planet. Its amazing when you think about it.
Which gets me back around to the topic of men. You thought I had become sidetracked, didn't you? Anyway. I LIKE men. Not saying I can't live a complete life without one, but I like the idea of having one around, you know? I don't mean to move in with the first guy who winks at me, but male attention is a nice thing to have, no? That and just adult company that isn't directly related to work or my school or my kids is so nice it's not even funny.
anyway, I think that's what I was talking about the other day. Letting myself off the hook a bit. Letting myself have permission to be silly, to have fun, to do things purely for the enjoyment of doing them. Like going out to see a band play. Like flirting with a guy who is more then willing to keep buying me drinks. Like eating waffles at two am for the hell of it and crashing on a friend's couch before driving home in the morning.
Would I do all those things if my kids were waiting at home? Probably not. But they are safe with my dad and will be for a couple more weeks. Do I have massive amounts of work I need to be focused on? Yes, but I can't study, research and write 24hours a day. And I'm tired of pushing myself to the point of complete burnout.
does putting myself out there have potential negative effects? Yes, I suppose it does. I can't get pregnant, but I still have to be safe, not that I've been getting any action that would require it. There's the fact that everyone in my family is alcoholic and that warm cozy feeling that I get when a drink hits bottom feels a little too good for me to be comfortable with doing it everyday, but time and place and place and time. There are, I suppose, emotional dangers. Flirting leads to crushes sometimes, even for grown women. Feelings unreturned are not easy. But lets face it, its better to be out there, trying to connect, then sitting at home pining.
Do I think I will end up with happily ever after and white dress and a big house and prince charming? No. DO I think I might end up with "Hey babe, I'm not busy next weekend lets go get silly together"? Maybe.
And maybe that's all I want or really need at the moment. I like being in charge around here. And I like sleeping alone, watching what I want to watch, making plans without a major debate, buying things with out a major debate, and raising my kids without having to argue my point every time one of them needs something. In a lot of ways, its easier to be single then to be married. So, I Don't know for sure, other then I can't go on and on like I was. I can't keep living like an old spinster when that isn't what or who I am.
SO, like many other things, there's a balance to be walked. Boundaries that have to be set. Self rules I need to follow.
And while I will agree that organized religion does a lot of personal damage, look at me, faith is a requirement. Faith in better things to come. Faith that people are essentially decent and honest, faith that the sun will rise, faith that I won't splatter myself and my children to smithereens on the freeway next month. Faith that the car will keep working and gas prices wont get too high. All the things are things we have faith in and don't even realize it. One thing I DON'T have faith in, the idea that sitting at home, being proper and no fun is a way to attract what I want in life, and is a good thing to model for my kids.
I saw that behavior in mom, and have copied it. But mom was a co=dependant nightmare, and did serious damage to us kids. Damage just as crippling as our father who drank and was in and out of the house so much, and our stepfather the pedophile and his copycat son.
I am not perfect. I need to stop trying to be. And then things will feel better. To be honest, they already do.
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