empowerment

Thinking a lot lately about what that word really means.

Does it mean being independant and beholden to no one?

Does it mean doing whatever you want, when you want it?

Does it mean being "good" and ignoring what you need?

I think it means a little bit of everything. I think that empowerment is being able to know who you are and what you want, and what you need. My friend chyrl is an interesting person. She sleeps with pretty much who ever she wants. She shares custody of her sons with her exhusband who is in a rather open relationship with her.

Seems like it ought to be terrible, right? Seems like she's this lost soul who sleeps around for no reason. But, she's a teacher too. She knows these guys are disposable and jus tahs fun with it. I'm not sure I'm capable of that, on the other hand, Sex is on Maslow's heirarchy of needs, right after oxygen, food and shelter.

So, is cheryl a bad person for sleeping around? Is she being victimized by these guys? I don't think so. If anything, they wish she'd be more committed to them. Is that wrong of her? Is it wrong of me to envy her a little?

I don't want to bring random men in and out of my sons' lives. I don't want to spend every waking minute worrying about my size and my hair and my face and being clever and saying just the right things to keep someone interested. And I don't want to be celibate for years on end either. So its a quandry and I know it seems like a sea change.

God knows I wish I could be good. I wish I could join that church and feel really accepted and find a nice man who would be a good partner and husband and father to my kids. But that isn't what I find in churches.

I find women who see me through slitted eyes. I'm the young, single mom out to take the men. The men who are available and looking for wives see me as a fallen woman. To be commended for raising three kids alone and pitied for her struggle, but untimately I "made my own bed and need to face those consequences". Which means being out of bounds to the nice men.

So I spend a lot of time alone, thinking and wishing. And feeling like I'm missing something I shouldn't be.

I think I'm going to make more of an effort to be less like a nun, and a little more like my friend Cheryl. Why not go out once or twice a month and enjoy myself and not take anything or anyone seriously for a few hours? Am I wrong to want that?