I still hurt for Tom and am frustrated on his behalf. I don't know what he's gonna do, but I hope he keeps it together. A few weeks ago he was frustrated at work and with his roommate and talking about living in his car. He feels like he's been set back a full year and this is making me rethink my liability only philosophy with my own car's insurance. If my car were totaled I'd be just as screwed. But what else can I do?
Anyway, I turned my phone off today and stayed home. I know Mike probably wants to come over and watch the super bowel, but I don't want to deal with him. I know Tom probably wants to call and rehash all the nonsense that went on this weekend, but I don't want to do that either.
I basically stayed home, ate leftover birthday cake, and watched TV and played with my boys. It was wonderful. Unfortunately the weekend is rapidly coming to a close and I still have homework, reading, grading, and planning to take care of.
Dad is still on me to move out to Tennessee, and even though I like this area, its tempting. To be around supportive, non dramatic relatives. And I know dad feels like he is missing out on the little boys growing up. I understand that feeling. I sometimes feel that way and I'm with them all the time.
But wasn't it his choice to move out there? Isn't it My life? Sigh, but the boys are also missing out on that grandparent relationship with dad. And as interesting as Tom and Mike make things, they aren't the examples of male-hood I want my sons looking up to. Neither is the Ass-hat. And he seems to have decided to both be present in their lives, and to continue to make choices that are not in his sons' best interests, like shaking up with random women and playing house, making grandiose promises and plans that he can't follow through on, and not being a co-parent or a support system for his kids. I can't call him if I need a night off, I can count on him sending child support, he doesn't provide an emotionally safe space for his children. Why should I continue to put up with his presence in our lives? Moving 700 miles or more away would certainly be a simple way to solve that particular problem.
And frankly I am tired of going over and over and over the problem. I think I am going to just make a plan. If I get a job here in Kansas with a school system that pays what I'm worth, or at least what I can live on without assistance, I'll stay in the area. If I'm stuck at McAuley another year, I'm going to just save as much cash as I can and plan on moving to TN. And just typing it up feels better. Its good to have a plan.
3 comments:
My life get's chaotic when I don't have a plan. It makes everything better. You can see ahead, and you don't worry so much. And if you plan in contingencies for problem areas... it makes it that much better.
"Have you ever thought what it's like to be wanderers in the Fourth Dimension? Have you?"
Uh.... not recently...
I think I am a wanderer from the fourth dimension, switched at birth and struggling to fit in my whole life . . . .
you fit in. we just have to find those people that we are alike.
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