Burned

In more ways than one.

First and foremost, I have a sunburn. I enjoyed getting the sunburn. Not enjoying tha after affects. And yeah yeah, I should have put on sunscreen. But I was hoping to get some color and I thought I was only going to be out for an hour tops. Well, it turned into two hours at the pool. And while my lilly white legs are now slightly pink legs, my shoulders, neck, back and cleavage are lobster red. My face is pink, but my moisturizer has suncreen in it so I was lucky on that one.

My brothers have burned me. Both owe me money. Both are claiming they were shorted on their paychecks or had some crisis come up that was more important than paying back their sister. Oh, am Tom got his power shut off, which means he's getting evicted from his apartment building, which means he thinks that moving into my garage (rent free) is a reasonable thing to do. Can't pin him down in a conversation about this. Phone always seems to develop problems or he needs to talk to someone else when I get around to the part about him either paying rent or earning his keep.

That will make three grown men calling my home their home. When the hell did that happen? and why does it seem like if I'm taking care of grown men I ought to be getting laid a lot more than I am?

Speaking of . . . .

I got a call the other morning. "I can't sleep, come over and I'll make you breakfast" he says. Its five am and I am already awake. I go over (hell mike's here if the kids wake up). He makes me eggs and bacon. We talk, flirt, make out. Its sweet and funny. I go to work (last day of school, yay!), come back later and we "continue". All in all, a nice time if I do say so.

and now . . . .

Nothing, doesn't want to hang out. Doesn't want to watch a movie. Will send funny texts about his computer issues (he's an unemployed IT something or other).

I don't get it. Either he's the most clueless dude on the planet or he's treating me like crap and I'm letting him.

I'm so tired of feeling lonely all the time. I know I am not the hot chick. I know that. But I'm not worthless. I'm not trash. I'm fun to be around.

Or at least I think I am.

I'm beginning to wonder if there isn't some neon sign flashing above me that says "keep back". If I were as strong as I like to think I am, it wouldn't bother me a bit. I would be happy to live my life alone as a single mom of three healthy kids with a good job and let that be that. But I am not that strong.

I have a job interview for a special education position on Tuesday. I would have to move (I think I typed this before). I hope I get it. Things are getting really weird at work. The school board is very hands off, almost too much so, but there's a parent club that has formed and is asking aggressive questions about curriculum and standards that the board should have been asking already. And for a non-official group, they sure have the administrators jumping through hoops.

Oh, and my tonsils have been painfully swollen on and off for over a month. Last night I got so sick of it that I tracked down ever leftover bit of antibiotic in the house and chugged them all. Woke up fine today. Not sure what to make of that, other than I probably need my tonsils out and there's no way in hell I can afford it.

Tired of being fat, clueless, awkward, alone, confused, lost and in survival mode. Something in my life needs to change. I'm just not sure what that is or how to do it.