Feeling really down here lately

I know, I know.

I should be happy, right.

I have the kids, who are wonderful. A dog who makes me smile. Health. Freedom. Good job. Prospects for better jobs.

But I'm not happy. I know when I look back to where I was four years ago that I have made tremendous progress in my life. I left Shane in 2007 with two bags and a toddler and a pregnancy. I was homeless. I had no car. I had no job. I was stuck in a town where my education was worth exactly squat.

I struggled. I survived being an unwelcome house guest, a fallen woman in a conservative church, working for less than minimum wage, and being dependent on others for basic transportation.

I got my master's and a teaching job. I have a good car that runs. I rent a decent house.

The doctor put me on antidepressants a while back. It was for basically very very very bad mood swings during my period, but the mellow everything out. They also shut down certain parts of my brain. The part that is creative, gone. The part capable of making intuitive leaps is gone. And the part of me that is a sexual being is gone when I am on them. Its like being neutered. I want to. I know how. I just . . . can't get there.

So I stopped taking them.

And I'm miserable. I don't think its all brain chemistry anyway. There are things in my life I am not happy with.

I just don't know how to go about fixing them.

I am lonely. I've said it over and over and over. I've prayed about it. I've cried about it. I'm lonely. I want an adult partner in my life.

I have no trouble meeting men. They have no trouble letting me know that if I want casual sex their all for it, but dating, partnership, relationship, no thanks.

Is it that I am too ugly? Too fat? The kids?

Can't seem to figure it out.

But I'm feeling down today. Its memorial day weekend. All my married friends are busy with their families. All my single acquaintances are busy at barbecues and getting totally sloshed.

And I am alone.

So tired of feeling worthless and undesirable. So tired of waiting for someday. So tired of feeling like I am going to have to settle for less than I want in order to get anything at all.