Long Absence from blogging

I could try to recap, but instead, I'm just gonna hit whats bugging me now.

My stupid, hard headed, damned emotions.

And yes, its a man issue. And yes, I've probably talked about it and him before.

When I was seventeen and had just had a baby and felt like the whole world stood against me I told myself that I was stone. It was a mantra "be a stone, be cold". It sounds ugly. But I knew what they were saying about me, my baby, my future. The school didn't want me back and really didn't think I should be in college prep courses. Half my close friends weren't allowed to hang out with me anymore, the other half seemed to have made me a token project. No one and everyone wanted to date me. That is, the nice boys who I liked wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole, and the skany boys put notes in my locker. My mother was crazy and sick. My dad was a drunk. My brothers were juvinile crime lords.

In a situation like that, having a cold heart is probably a pretty damn good coping mechanism. I think it stuck around lots longer than it needed to. I think because of that filter I had up I missed out on potential relationships, friends, opportunities.

But I spent years working hard, occasionally back sliding with dumb choices, and just plain not allowing the low opinion others had for me to color what I choose to do. And I've beaten most odds.

I've also let things melt here of late. Maybe its a sign of better mental health. Maybe its that self destruct that we all seem to have built in finding an outlet.

I mean, what could be more self destructive than developing feelings for the wrong person.

I mean way wrong.

He doesn't have even a GED. He's dirt poor. He drinks a lot and often as he can afford to and has an extensive history of drug use in his past. He's my age and still working on that "what I want to do when I grow up" shit. He has a little boy in joplin who he sees all the time. He wants to marry and have a baby sometime soon.

I am working on master's degree number two, I finally have a decent paying job, I don't drink much but seem to end up shit faced when I drink with him. I just moved almost two hours away from the city he wants to move to. I have three kids and don't really want anymore.

But its like some cruel cosmic joke's been played on me. Because I like him. A lot. He isn't super educated, but he's smart. We have similar senses of humor, and we have great sex together.

I tried moving away and being done with him. But I realized that I missed him. Its not like we live in eachother's pockets. We don't keep each other posted on what we're up to all day every day. In fact, we maybe spend one or two evenings a week with each other.

His idea of boyfriend/girlfriend is much different than mine. I can't imagine being married. I just want someone who is a friend/lover and exclusive about it. He sees the dynamic as being more like being engaged.

I feel like a silly teenager. I should be able to bully my damn self into just not giving a crap and moving on. Or at least leaving the situation alone and letting what feelings I have for him die a slow death. It happens all the time. It isn't evil. No one needs to be mad.

But I guess I don't want to do that. And that's the problem.

I am so sick and tired of these pictures we build up in our heads not matching up to reality. Do I reject what I feel and wait for reality to conform to my ideal future or do I pursue a relationship that is likely bad for me, doomed to fail, and with someone without much to offer, at least on paper?

I think the older I get, the weirder I am. I'd rather be with someone who's poor, who isn't some blinding example of worldly success, but who is funny, and smart, and gets me. Especially if I can work in loyal and kind to that equation.

I'm not saying I know him enough to make all those judgments. But I am saying that I want to chance to get to know.

Love sucks. But I don't want to turn back into ice.