Is it Like a Soap?

Sometimes I wonder why I do things. Why do I blog? Its hidden, almost no one reads and only one person who knows me in "real life" even reads or knows about it.

If there were no such thing as blogs, I would probably have filled volumes full of my thoughts, rants, hopes, dreams and petty complaints. Of course, as much as I move, and as my organisation tends to lean towards "find a clear spot to stack it", I probably wouldn't have them all anymore.

So maybe the attraction is the web-based storage. Maybe the attraction is my need to feel connected to other thinking adults. I don't know for sure. I know I miss it when I can't or don't. I know it's cathartic when I am troubled.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but Noah has been sick most of the week. He probably could have gone today, but he was still feverish last night and spend most of today sleeping or lounging on my lap, which isn't normal for him. He's usually in motion. Playing pretend with toys and leggos, jumping on the trampoline, or just running. He doesn't walk from point A to point B, he runs.

For him to sit still so much, he's still not great. I think my this evening he was better-er. He played/fought with his brother. I love him, but spending basically three days at home with him when I have all this crap from work looming, not really the best for my stress levels.

Tonight Isaiah stayed with some buddies. If Noah stays ok and Gideon doesn't get sick, I'm going to go out to bar with Amanda tomorrow evening. Its been literally forever since I've gone out. I invited Jason, but I don't think he's going to come. Which is just as well. I care about the man, but he needs to either decide to be my boyfriend and consistently act like one, or he needs to get out and stay out of my life. I'm leaning towards getting out.

I doubt if I will meet anyone at the local bar, but a live band is playing, they are heavily influenced by Nickleback, but on a short time scale, that isn't a terrible thing. I briefly dated a guy in the band, ended up ending that mess. It was fun but . . . the man had too many things in his life that were a problem for me. It might be akward. Oh well.

The eye has been declared cured by an actual doc. The combination of oral and topical drops did the trick. The oral antibiotics made my stomach upset unless I kept food in it, and made me feel spacey. I have a few more days supply, but the guy told me to stop them. I looked the drug up and it turns out that constant upset tummy and confusion were actual side effects.

I'm thinking about moving again. When I moved into this big old house I thought my brother would be moving in with me. As it is, I have three completely empty rooms. In addition, its an older house that hasn't been greatly maintained. Its not pretty, its hard to make it look good or keep clean.

On the other hand, the rent is cheap. If I stay and just push myself to vacume more often and invest in some carpet cleaning, it will probably be more tolerable. I can use the money I'm saving on rent to pay down some old bills and improve my credit score.

And it turns out the score isn't that bad, but I have something called judgments, basically I'd been sued. Those don't fall off the credit report. If I can get those paid and cleared, I'll be able to look into getting a loan to buy a home of my own. I also get to discharge most of my student loans after I've taught for five years. That's two more years including this one.

I hate moving too. This house is more or less a known entity. Its always a crapshoot with rental homes. This one looked ok when I checked it out last December. But it was empty and the heat hadn't been on so the musty carpet smell wasn't there.

So I think I'm going to stay. I tend to look at relocation in my life as reinventions. Its gotten to the point that if I'm a little blah, I start looking at other houses, other towns, other jobs. I logically know that this isn't really healthy.

Yes, when you get a job offer that doubles your income, a move is reasonable. But when you have a good income, tend to enjoy what you do, and like the company you work for, but you are a little lonely and depressed, it makes no sense to decide to move.

I'm rambling. If Isaiah were home I'd go on a walk. The little dudes are in bed and probably wouldn't get up. But that's not a risk I want to take. These are the things I talk to myself about when I walk. Then I start to jog and then I don't think at all.