Mostly my own fault I guess. I got bummed. I just now I'm going to have to go back to glasses, which means buying another pair, because the ones I have are ugly, broken and out of date. When I buy glasses, the lenses alone run around $300, not to mention the cost of the frames. I want to look decent so frames are probably going to be over a hundred dollars, if not more.
So, that's $500 in the next month.
There goes Isaiah's birthday, and possibly my ability to pay for all our bills. I have to be able to see, there's no compromising on that. There will also be ER bills and the cost of seeing the medical eye doctor too.
Its going to be a lot of money.
So, I got bummed. And my eye hurts and my whole head hurt and the boys were driving me crazy and My guy wasn't interested in spending any time with me and when I let him know I was feeling a little hurt that he didn't want to spend any time with me, his response was that I was acting shitty to get him to do something. That wasn't my intent.
So by this point its around five. The kids are running wild, I feel like crap physically and emotionally (stress plus feeling abandoned and unloved, gotta love the feeling) I call the ex-husband. Tell him I'm sick, things aren't going well over here, come get the kids so I can get some rest (and wallow a little).
His reaction is to accuse me of thinking the world runs around me and turns it into a fight. If he comes and gets the kids, he's going to enroll them in school and keep them forever. Besides, according to him, Isaiah wants to go live with him and has begged to stay there. At this point I blew a minor gasket.
I get off the phone (throw it against the wall really) and call my dad. My dad is in Tennessee, I know there isn't anything he can do but talk to me. But that's all I really wanted in the first place, was a calm, adult voice to speak reason into the spinning whirlwind that is my brain when I'm like this. I sobbed into the phone for a while, then dad talked to Isaiah and convince him to calm down his brothers and take them upstairs and just stay outta my hair.
And then The ass hat calls, he's on his way now. Don't come is what I told him.
I get the kids calmed down and upstairs. And am sitting on the couch doing nothing but enjoying a distinct lack of sensory input when there's a knock on my door.
Its the cops. The ex has called them to come check up on my sons. So down the stairs they all come. They chatter at the police officers while the boss cop talks first to Isaiah, and then to me.
I was so embarassed. I'd been crying on top of the eye thing, so I was all sorts of ugly and swollen, and it felt like half the city drove by while I was on my porch talking to the guy. For the record, my sons were fine and were never in danger, I was just so stressed and tired and out of sorts that I thought they'd be better off spending the night with their dad. I'm sorry, I guess that was wrong of me.
The cop wanted to know what they could do to help with my "situation" so the "problem" didn't continue. The situation being that I'm a single mom with three busy boys, medical bills that keep showing up, and no help. The "problem" being that once is a very great while I get stressed, overwhelmed and sad and spend most of a day crying because I can't see how things will ever get better.
I told the cop I could do with fewer assholes in my life.
And I wish I knew how to actually make things better. I wish I had someone who loved me.
No comments:
Post a Comment