Dislocation

I finished a book this evening. Id like to be able to claim I discovered a great new work. But I didn't. I reread THE STAND by Steven king. I think I was twelve or fourteen the first tome I read it. I know it was odd to see a kid my age lugging around such a.large, serious book. It seems like instead of revisiting old friends or locations I revisits the books I read. When I was younger and life was simpler. It wasn't necessarily safer. It should have been nut the truth is that I never felt safe. But the crushing responsibility wasn't there yet. I read and I go back. I love nh kids and I'm proud of my achievements but I sometimes think about how many are counting on me and I feel so small. I think I'm over wishing for a partner. Husband. Helpmeet. Mate. There is something in my makeup that makes that impossible. Its not a matter of attractiveness. Even in my needy glasses and frumpy teacher clothes I look ok. Its something in my soul that pushes people away. Keeps people back. Magnitism in reverse. I'm ok with it though. People are stupid and dangerous. Best to limit exposure to risk. Never mind. The book always messes with my brain and I miss my mom. My heart ks broken over my brothers and I am feeling alone.

yup, misery

I useonline banking. I tend to check it every morning. Its my way of trucking expenses and budgeting. This morning there wee lots of charges on there I hadn't made. From what I can tell Mike waited for me to get paid, took my debit card from my wallet and hsf himself s grand time. Over 300 dollars in 24 hours all with out Mr noticing. Then he put the card back in my purse and played like he was my goofy brother. Hes not. Hes a cold calculating thrift, liar, criminal. I told him that very morning to get the tuck outran my house. After he was gone I found my camera, isaiahs phone some cash and two laptops missing. Whilenee were gone he came back. Took a charger. Broke an aircinditioner climbing in a window. The fraud on the card will be returned. I filled out paperwork at the bank. Closed my account and opened another. I filed a claim with my renters insurance. Their not gonna cover all the cash and they need prooof of ownership whatever that is. I knew. I knew he was trouble. But I am suchban orphan. I wanted to be close to someone who is my blood. Just for a while.

I Create My Own Misery

So did I mention that I let my sorry, no account, crack head, idiot brother move in? Probably not because I knew it was a bad idea when I did it. I know the story of the scorpian and the fox very well. HE's already bitten me. I woke up yesterday and my car was gone. He'd run a little less that a quarter of a tank out of it. I was so scared about the loss of the car that I could not think clearly. And so relieved to see Kt back that I didn't throw him out then. I did get my spare key back and tell him he had better get a job because he has four weeks to get out. I also put hasps and lo ks on my and Isaiah's rooms. He got the key by going throw my room when I wasn't home. He also took money from Isaiah. Iwanyed to believe that he was ready tho change but he isn't. He just wants to go on manipulating people and using. If he screws up again. I'm dropping him off somewhere.

No One owes you a baby

It seems like some things I never can get away from. I get away from blogging. Mostly because I get too tired to do it by the end of the day and I don't get as emotionally worked up as I used to when things were harder.

But some things still do it. Like infant adoption.

I was online reading Prudie's collum, bad of me. And there was a letter from a couple that had tried to adopt a child only to have the birth mother change her mind. They were angry that the mom had sent a one year update about the child. Prudie told them to more or less ignore communication if it was that painful and maybe she'd stop. Seemed a reasonable response. Then I scroll to the comments and OH. My. God.

Did you know that women who get pregnant are "stupid 16 year olds who spread their legs for anyone?"

Did you know that pointing out the many moral/ethical issues involved in infant adoption is tantamount to calling all adoptive parents evil and tearing apart the identities of adopted children?

Yeah, well, you know me by now, I can't let that just pass. But I like prudie and don't want to get banned from Slate, so I'm gonna rant here a bit.

1) There are lots of children in this nation who need homes now and are ready to be adopted. Unfortunately they are not healthy white infants. If they are under the age of three they have severe with a capotol "S" health issues. They are mostly minority teens and preteens who just want a home.

2) Adopting an infant is not about helping children or making the world a better place, it is about wanting a baby. Having a baby is also about wanting a baby, but having a baby does not involve large sums of money changing hands and the severing of someone's parental rights.

3)The act of using money and power to intimidate American or Forgein parents to give away their children is an unethical act. The act of using propoganda about poverty, religeon, education and opportunity to convince a woman to not parent a child she wants to parent is an unethical act.

4) The parents and Children in the adoption industry are mostly good people. Education on the moral and ethical issues surrounding the industry can and has convinced prospective adoptors to opt not to participate in the system.

5) The system can be fixed and should be fixed and every person who values human beings as special creatures that should not be bought, sold or commodified has a moral obligation to seek to fix the system.

6)Here are my suggestions for fixing the system.
a. Birth mothers and fathers should both have to sign off on any infant adoption before the process can start. This does not negate the typical 60 day waiting period, it just indicates that both parents are aware the process has started.

b. Monetary and non-monetary compensation, such as paying medical bills, providing housing, food and clothing, cars and tuition and good old fashioned spending money must stop. Giving away her baby should not make a mother richer, even if only for a few months.

c. Counsiling should include accurate education on topics such as daycare aid for low income workers, assistance in applying for federal financial aid for college and trade school students, how to find a daycare provider and networking with other young families and single families. The mother should know that if she wants to raise her child, she can do so.

d. Prospective adoptive parents should not be forced to provide large fees to placement agencies and family court lawyers. These people should not be making money off the process and the process should not be closed to low income families who want children.

The best way I can think of to meet the needs of step "D" is to have adoption of infants be part of the larger foster care system. This means that prospective parents would have the same training and background testing as foster parents and the social workers and state lawyers would just roll these cases into the work load, no large fees for successfully placing a child, just they normal salary.

This will probably never happen and doesn't even begin to address the problem of international infant adoption, which has its own ethical issues, but this is what is needed.

No one who wants to parent their child and is willing to do the work to parent their child should be talked into giving that child away.

Lacking in Motivation

Its Sunday night. Spring break is over and I go back to work in the morning. But instead of getting ready and going to bed, I'm up and wired. Partly its that I was so blah and lazy yesterday and today and partly because I wish it was just summer and I didn't have to worry about going back to work for a couple of months.

I don't know how it is I can love my job and not want to go back at the same time. Part of it is that I'm just tired of the grind and feeling like I get no respect or control in my job. I feel like a hypocrite. I wanted a classroom, lesson plans, papers to grade and kids to teach. Instead I have a lot of sitting around waiting to be able to be helpful. And no classes to teach and only attendence in seminar, think homeroom, to take.

But lets not forget the IEPs to plan and the "progress" to track and the fact that I am somehow responsible for the success of children I've never met. That's the part I'm beginning to hate.

Went and saw dad over spring break. Surprised him. Got to spend three whole days with him. I know it sounds selfish, but it was nice to enjoy his company without having the boys around, they went to see their dad and seem like they had a good time.

I really want to move to Tennessee. I know this seems like a reversal from previous positions. In a way it is. In another way, its a refinement of previous positions. I miss teaching science. I miss being close to my dad. I hate moving. Therefore, moving again must mean moving to be near my dad and to once again teach science.

I've put in several applications for jobs in his area. If I were braver I'd just move and trust that I'm hard enough working and enterprising enough to land on my feet and float until the science job showed up.

I'm not sure I am that brave though. I like having that certainty that there was a paycheck coming that more than covers what I need for the month. I remember what it was like to juggle when I paid bills and bought groceries so that things never quite got too lean or too late or too dark. It made me feel small and scared and worried all the time.

I think I'm a bad mom. I love my little sons and even like playing with them, but sometimes I know they want me to play but I get caught up in a show or something and let the whole day pass and spend hardly any time with them. Today was like that. I have legitimate work I needed to do, didn't do it. Didn't play with Noah either. I wonder why I do that.

Now its almost eleven, he's in bed, and I wish I had played with him. I suck as a mom.

Watched "trainspotting" or at least part of it this evening. I turned it off after the part where the baby died. If I had known that was in there, I wouldn't have started the movie at all. I knew it was controversial with drug use and aids and criminality, but somehow no one mentioned the dead baby. That's probably part of why I wish the little guys were still up and that I had played more with them today.

Gotta do better. Better at work. Better with the boys. Better about saving money, especially if I really am moving to Tennessee.

I've never stayed anywhere longer than two years, not since mom died. Maybe I need to examine why that is.

How about some video?

So I have a built in webcam and figured I'd play around with it. I don't know if posting a video is smart or not. But it is weird to watch myself. I wonder if I make those faces when I'm talking to people?

Anyway

My little boys are driving me nuts. They are either best friends and partners in crime, or they are tattling on each other and hitting and fighting.


One more week until spring break. I have to finish state science and reading testing, so instead of doing my job and helping kids learn, I'll be fulfilling a federal mandate to test test test test kids.

I think every politician who wants to work on education policy should be required to take and pass with exemplary scores, every test the kids have to. We'll see how they feel about testing then. I'd give an example of the odd ball question, but its illegal for me to tell the contents of the test questions.

Anyway, its daylights savings weekend and I'l lost as to what time it is. Either 10:46, computer, or 9:46, cell phone. Why we can't set the clocks half an hour back and leave the time like that year round, I just don't understand.

What can I say

It isn't that things aren't happening. And it isn't that I all of a sudden don't need to process them. Its just that the drive to write about it has gotten vaguer.

I'll get an idea about something to write about and file it away for when I have time, and then I get busy or I'm exhausted and can't put two words together.

To recap: I can't, but here's some things that have happened of late.

Its been two months since Jason broke up with me and it stings more now than it did then. I don't know if that's because I was in shock or denial or what. I loved him, still love him in a way. I wouldn't take him back, I know he'd hurt me. I still think he's a good person and I miss having him in my life.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships and why I don't have many and they don't work out. Its me that is the problem. On the one hand I am very independent. For example, a couple of weeks ago I went on a shopping trip with my cousins. My younger cousin is 21 and a college student. She went through a very rough time in high school with repeated running aways, staying with older men and taking drugs and trading sex for drugs and money. But now she's pretty much back on a normal track.

My point is that the girl has used up a lot of good will in the people who care about her. We were talking about checking accounts because her older sister, who is a year older than I am (31!) was complaining that her bank was charging her for stupid things like seeing printouts of account activity to the tune of $5 a page.

My bank gives online access with real time activity shown and pays me interest on any balance under ten grand. The younger cousin's contribution was that she likes a different bank because it's easy to set up the account and besides, with her account at the same bank as her parents, its very easy to transfer money from theirs to hers when she needs it.

That detail shouldn't bother me, but it does. It was unnecessary to include at all and its an asinine reason to pick a bank anyway. But then I got to thinking. I don't have parents that can give me money when I need it. I never have had that. As a result, I am very responsible with my money and I take pride in being able to pay all my bills or finding a way to make things work if I can't. I also wouldn't take money from my dad or my aunt if they offered.

Back to relationships, to be in a relationship, you have to be willing to take from someone something you need. Emotion, support, sex, money, help. Something. I enjoy many parts of being in a relationship, but I hate needing it. I don't let myself need another person in that way.

That's very safe. It protects me and keeps me strong, but I think it also pushes others away.

The other reason I am no good at relationships is that I've never seen or been in a "good" one. I've seen them shown on TV or read about idealized versions in books or either the self help or romance variety, but in person, not really.

I think a behavior that complex, with give and take, compromise and boundary, all that, it has to be learned. I saw and still see situations that I don't want any part of. My parents were alcoholic, mentally ill, dysfunctional messes. My granparents hated each other and were only together because it was proper. My aunt, the one who gives money to her daughter, is married to a man who I know has personality issues.

Drugs, abuse, mental instability, selfishness; these are the things I see people I love stuggling with in their spouses and partners. I don't want that. I realize that loving someone makes those problems disappear.

Maybe I'm too independent. Maybe I am too picky about the qualities I want in a partner. I do know that I want mental health, sanity, physical health and attractiveness. I want humor and honor and honesty and work ethic.

Those things are hard to find on their own. All together, probably impossible. And then the person who has all those would have to be willing to put up with and even care for me.