Page Views

So Google has added the option to look at how many page views I get and from where, and it looks like Russia or someone in Russia likes to read my blog.

I don't mind, but it is interesting to me.

Anyway, on to my own self involved ramblings.

Work royally sucks here lately.

They've started these "retraining" programs for writing IEPs. Which I don't mind in theory. The fed and state have changed rules and tightened things up so I understand that part.

I feel like everything I war originally told to do wasn't right somehow. I wish that in 2010, when I was hired, instead of a quick three day tutorial, I had gotten like three weeks, complete with examples from kids who attend my school, or even from my own caseload. I wish that what sort of assessments were acceptable were named and provided.

But that didn't happen and I remember feeling like I was winging it then. But everyone told me I was doing fine, everything was satisfactory  I was supposed to be paired with a mentor, but she didn't know about it until the end of the year, and she spend half the year on maternity leave, and I feel like there wasn't much, "here is what I want it to look like" happening, which is what I honestly needed.

Anyway, no I am "retraining" and I am TRYING to get them rewritten, meet with parents to get consent to change, and get things turned back in. I found out about this on the first week of November. I have all but one rewritten. I have one signed and turned in. I have two more that are with parents and needing to be returned (these people will not come in and meet with me or even answer the phone, they will see my number and then have their kid ask why I called), another one is ready and I am meeting with the parents next week.

The last one is giving me trouble. I feel like the kid is ready to not be on an IEP, he still has some reading difficulties, but IEPs are not for difficulties, they are to make it so that the child has the same access to the curriculum as non disabled children. This child has that.

But his mom doesn't want him dismissed, and we cannot do that without consent. So in September when I wrote the IEP, I asked for help. (admittedly, I was mixed up on another aspect but more on that later). The lady who is in charge of IEP writing training gave me a goal to use, she read it to me word for word over the phone.

Now she says she did not and is being very passive aggressive and rude about me asking for help. On the one hand, I am supposed to be sending emails updating what I am doing, but when I did, there was never any reply or response. So I stopped, and then I get a bitch o gram about not doing anything in a timely manner.

I'm supposed to allow her, my area administrator, and a teacher who has been here for years proof things. Well, the area admin hasn't proofed anything, the training lady takes several days to get back with me, if at all, and the teacher who was supposed to be proofing for me, had no idea she was supposed to be doing that.

And some of it is honestly a problem. I am not great at future planning. I am also not great at tracking down the paperwork if meetings don't go as planned. I have social anxieties that make me want to avoid calling parents. I don't organize well and I think I have attention problems.

But some of it is that I was not clearly trained. Take state assessments. Two years ago we could use them as baselines for writing goals. Then in the middle of last year, State Assessments were off limits. I was told that since the can only be given once in high school, they shouldn't be used to indicate skill level.

Then, this year, they are supposed to be used, BUT, they can't be the baseline, that has to be some sort of official assessment. Of course, there are no high school level skills assessments out there. And of course, the school building has no official set of tests that they use to assess and track progress. That's on us to go find.

There is one called the easycbm that is free and online that I've started using, but its not the greatest, and it only goes to grade 8, so if a kid maxes out on it, I can't say they are at grade level for sure.

Then there's my classes. Things are winding down and coming due. And I have no time or focus to apply to them because its all spent at school. I know it sounds lame, but I feel like I just don't have it in me to do it all. I was supposed to plan next week's lessons at the pre-school, was to meet with the paras friday, but friday I got emailed a shit storm and ended up trying to call the person who emailed me, she wasn't available, my area admin wasn't available. I ended up on the phone with the freaking director, who really isn't in on any of this. He acknowledged that he didn't know what specifically I was emailed, then went on to imply that I was the one being unprofessional in asking for clarification on these things. I ended up crying.

So here it is, Sunday. I'm still mortified for missing the meeting with the preschool ladies. Mortified from the phone call. Feel about two inches tall. I feel like shit is raining down from all sides and all sides are implying that I am just being stupid, incompetent, and lazy.

If a student won't stay after school or work during school, and her parents aren't enforcing it, why should I be staying until five every day to work with her, then be phoning her parents when she doesn't show?

I am all for encouraging kids, being available for the kids and going to the teachers and going to bat for the kids. I am not really willing to say its my fault that she is failing. Its her problem.

After that horrible Friday, I've decided some things.

1) I will continue to do my best to improve my performance, I see it as building skills for the next step.
2) I will no longer neglect my students to serve the paperwork. If they aren't happy with the timeline, they can come do my job for me.
3) I will apply for different positions, hopefully looking to move back to general education teaching.
4) I almost certainly will not work for them next year.
5) I am going to take an incomplete on at least one college class and finish it next semester.
6) I will not be taking a class next semester. That way I will not be liable for the "forgivable loan" to the coop when I choose not to work for them next year.

I want to do my job well. I feel like I am being punished for a structural weakness in the system. If no one is willing to talk about changing the system, then I am not willing to continue treading water in it.

Choices Other Mothers Make

I tend to consider myself a good mom. I like to think I have always had a good balance between being overly protective and leaving them to fend for themselves. I think that I have done a good job of raising my boys to be smart, independent, careful, smart, thoughtful, and smart asses. (Yes, I think being a bit of a smart ass is a sign of a well balanced human being)

At times the choices I made were not the choices I wanted to make. For example, when we all lived in Neodesha, Noah got into a day care cent but Gideon did not, so he attended a home day care. I wanted them both in the day care center. The teachers were actual early childhood teachers, and there was a lot of in and out with visiting teachers and parents dropping in and picking up kids. Gideon stayed with the wife of the pastor of out church.

At teh daycare center, if something wasn't going well, they had policies in place to discipline the child. At Elain's house, when Gideon wouldn't stop jumping on the couch in the room where he had to stay, he was spanked so hard that his bottom was literally black when I bathed him that evening. I should have called the police right then and there. I regret to this day that I didn't.

But, either in a child care center, or in a home day care, I wanted my children babysat during the day. I worked and wanted to continue working. Its the same with other things.  I put my kids in disposable diapers.  The choice was made not just for my own convinince, but because after looking at the reusable diapers and "diaper systems" out there, I figured that between purchasing the diapers and liners, and constantly running the laundry, and having to make sure we had lots of extra materials on hand, it wasn't any less expensive or wasteful. I think the landfill factor may have been better with reusable diapers, but the time and resources out into cleaning them would have off set that.

I bring all this up, because for a long time I was the only mama in my generation. There was my cousin, Opal, but her life and mine were so divergent that comparasons were not apparent. And her basic parenting choices were always similar. Daycare, the best you can get, but still daycare, disposable diapers, public schools.

Now I have two other cousins who are moms and another who will have a baby in the spring time. My cousin, Autem, married and started her family right out of high school. She is now a Math teacher. Her kids were in daycares from the time they were babies. When the family lived in Pittsburg, the kids were in a large child care facility there. Now the family lives in Altamont and the kids attend the daycare her mother runs part of the time and another daycare part of the time.

Her sister, Amber, is a different story. Amber had twins almost two years ago. Even though she has always worked jobs, in her mother's daycare, and in jobs, and even though she has a Master's degree, she only works PRN, which means she is less than part time and takes very few shifts. Her children have only been babysat by one of their grandmothers or aunt. The kids do not use normal diapers and she makes a big deal about her or her kids being on facebook.

For some reason, I take all this kinda personally. Its like they are equating good parenting with this and for some reason, if she is a good parent, then I must be a bad one. No one has said this, its all in my own head. I know that one person can make different choices than another and not be a bad parent.

Then there's the cousin having the baby. She just found out that the baby is a girl and has already stated that private school as a must. This particular woman was wild as a tween, teen, and really up until the moment she got pregnant. She has always had her mother and step father bail her out of any situation she was in and has never had to even pay her own bills, if she runs short, her mom takes care of it.

I know part of her statement is a joke, but part of it is also a response to the fact that she was not an ideal child. But she dosen't seem to see (and neither does her mother) that her wildness was not because she was a girl, it was because she never faced any real concequences or had any real boundaries. I know the pattern is going to repeat because my aunt is still bailing out all her kids and running around making sure they have cars, houses, jobs, and comfort. The grandkids already in that particular family are all one kind of spoiled or another.

The cousin, Opal, who's choices used to be similar, is now way off. She puts her kids to bed at 7:00 and wonders why they gripe, except for the youngest, who is autistic. She has decided that she doesn't want to deal with his fits so she just lets him do what he wants. The 7 and 12 year olds are told to lay the fuck down and go to sleep, but the 4 year old wanders around, gets a snack, watches cartoons and snuggles in mom's bed until he falls asleep. Aside from potty training, he really has no boundaries. And no one sees that this is completely ass backwards because the whole family is about talking about follow through and responsibility, but not about training their kids for it..

I know I'm coming off as judgmental and that this is all hard to follow. But I also know I can't express it to my aunts and cousins without causing hurt feelings and rifts. If the one branch wants to overly shelter those twins, that's their business. At the same time, they hand toddlers a phone and say go take pictures. Then one toddler is fighting over the phone with another. No one thinks, hmm, toddlers are not good for phones and phones like the nice new top of the line samsungs are not for toddlers. The other branch wants to blame public schools for the adult kids' inability to act sensibly and sanely. Meanwhile the new generation is being spoiled.

Myabe its because my mom is gone. My kids have no gramma or local grampa who will do the kids of things I see my aunts and uncles doing for my cousin's children. Or do for me what they've done for my cousins for that matter. No one has ever paid my bills, given me a car when mine died, or bought a house at auction for me to live in rent free. No one has ever covered for me when my own mental health made me a bad parent. And no one really ever will.

So when I look at how cool my kids are and then look at the totality of my choices, I know I did my best and I did it on my own. I need to be able to be proud of that without feeling threatened by the choices others have made.

In the meantime, its Thanks Giving Break, its beautiful outside, Chis is fixing bikes with the boys and all is right in my world.

Every. Single. One!

I am seriously doubting my abilities to do much of anything right now. I had a cruddy day at work to start with . kids not wanting to do what they were asked, tests over due and no end in sight and no give on the part of the general education teachers who administered them. Computer network in the building is crap. In a lab with 24 computers, so many were either not functioning or not connecting to the district servers that I had to take a small group to another building. And then I find out that the system administrator has taked it upon himself to change a student's password because he doesn't like her using the same passwork as a network log-in and an email log-in. Except this student has intellectual disabilities and it was hard enough getting her to memorize one passwor, let alone two. Not to mention how disruptive to learning it is if she can't get to her email to see the assigment that was emailed to her.

Yeah, waste of a class period, that mess.

Then there's the kid who destroys pencils for no reason, who rips and wads and throws papers, who scribbles things in large looping scawls over his page, not because that's all he can do, but because that is all he WILL do. And then, once he has the attention of his comfused classmates (Dude, what is your problem?!) He acts aggressively and plays the victim oc bullying. (yeah buddy, act like a loud jackass and people are going to notice and comment).

So I haul his ass to the office after telling him repeatedly to quit throwing things. And on my way back upstairs I am met by not one, but two administrators with a laundry list of shit I need to fix.

Basically every single thing I've tried to do this year is fucking wrong. My student histories are wrong, my reports are wrong, my goals are wrong, my data collection is wrong. My ammendments are fucking wrong.

I think if I can't make it better, I'm going to be fired. I have a family to support and student loans to pay. Not to mentio car payment, rent, food, clothing . . . . I do it all and I do it mostly without help.

And this supposedly simple thing, I am apparently incompetent at.

So they leave and I get started on my list of shit to fix. And the student I pull up, I can't find anything to fix! The times on the teacher information page and in the text of the document are the same! The designation of resource versus inclusion are the same! The supposed extra text that was in there that needed deleted wasn't there to be found!

What the fuck!

Oh, and then there is the fact that an hourly worker in the office is claiming that nothing I send in is organized! What the MOTHER FUCKING HELL!!!! You can't go through a stack of papers and see oh this is a ten day notice letter? It has to be STACKED IN THE RIGHT FUCKING ORDER!!!!!!

And then there are the mixed Fucking signals. Don't use the state assessment information, do use it. Don't use classroom performance on goals, but do use it! I can't be consistent because what I am told to do isn't.

Oh, and then there's the fact I AM SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE ROOM TAKING MOTHER FUCKING NOTES WHEN I AM A HIGH QUALIFIED FUCKING PROFESSIONAL WITH A MILLION OTHER THINGS I NEED TO BE DOING!

So, anyway, that's done, stay at work until after five (school was dimissed at 2:40). Get the kids, get them fed and they decide to be FUCKING MANIACS! Jesus fucking CHRIST!

Stop destorying everything in sight just becuase I am not in the room watching your mindless shows with you. I HAVE MOTHER FUCKING WORK I have to get done.

Ok, ok. Calming down. This shit has to get better. I take notes, I leave myself notes. I stay late and go in early. I put in hours off the clock trying to help my students do well in school.


Apparently its all FUCKING SHIT!

is it possible

To use the kindle as a tool. Id like to think so. I have a Fire that I love and am eyeing the HD that came out recently. Its no ipad but it is pretty close. Also thinking bout getting my little dudes low end tablets for Christmas. That way I'm not competing with them for mine. Any way. Its late. Think I will attempt that sleepy time thing again.

Life, as We Know It

I am a gypsie at heart. Too long in any one place makes me restless. Planning moves has never been my strong suit. but maybe it is time to go home. If there is any such thing for someone like me.

We shall see what the coming months bring. I know I am stronger than most give me credit for. But this is a whole other thing.

I miss my mom. I've spent so long as an orphan, I don't know if I can stop being one and go back to being part of a family. It isn't just claiming this or that person you know. Its also letting them in and making room in your life and your day for them.

I think we are going to move in the summer. Back to our home town. The place that saw all the akward years and bad hair cuts and poor choices. The place where they know me, my brothers, my parents, my grandparents.

I don't know if my return will be local girl does good and comes back, or if it will be more like the return of Ester. Will they be looking for the Scarlet letter?

My least Favorite Day of the Year

     At the end of the first and third quarter of the school year we have parent-teacher conferences. I love getting to talk to parents about their kids. About the hard work they put in and about the things they can do to improve. I try to keep it short and positive; as a parent, I know how over whelming it can be to have a lot of information thrown at you at once. 

If a student has specific assignments they can still do to make the grade better or specific materials that they need to bring in, I try to write it down for the parent. 

As a special education teacher, who doesn't teach an actual class, I don't have as big a group of parents to see as most teachers. And I seem to have a group of parents who aren't keen on coming. In the past i've sent reminder letters and even called to remind parents about conferences. It doesn't help. My first year at fall conferences, no parents came. Last year I had two parents show up. 

This year I tried something else, I promised the students and icecream party if they got their parents to come. I had six parents accounting for seven students show. That's still very few, I have a case load of 18. But it is significantly higher than in the past. 

I don't feel right about giving a full on party to the group when only seven came. So I think I'm going to give the ones who came gift certificates to the local icecream shop.

At home things are mostly good. Last night we had a blow up. the kids were beyond bitchy. Christopher blew up at the boys after asking them to cut it out. I didn't like how he went about it. I got onto him, and since I was pissed, I didn't convey my meaning well. After going round for an hour, we just hung out in separate rooms for a while. 

don't misunderstand, there wasn't a lot of yelling from the adults, just that circular conversation that happens when both parties feel like they are right and they can just talk the other into their point of view. This morning I had to get up and go in to work. The kids had no school, so they slept in. 

When I came home at noon for lunch, Christopher was still in bed. We texted with each other later today. He said he feels bad about what happened and that he might stay over night in Parsons, where his class is tonight. Since then he hasn't answered my texts. 

I never figured I was jealous. But it seems I am. The teacher of his class has hit on him earlier in the semester. He swears that he has no interest in her that way, he just thinks she's a nice girl. But I still worry. Before we were together he claimed he didn't believe in monogamy. And we fought the other night. 

I need to be more secure. But I also wish he'd just send a text when I send him one. When he has something on his mind, he sends multiple texts. Sigh. Its another case of if only everyone just did things my way. 

Isaiah is 14. He can get a learner's permit and will be in high school next year. I'm so not ready for that part of his childhood, and so sad that I didn't make the earlier parts of his childhood better. I feel like things are good and stable now and will only get better. It hurts to think that the oldest one missed out. 

Gideon is in second grade and has a .6 grade equivalent reading level. He is so wiggly and distracted at school that it is hard to get him to do much. Even when the teacher goes through a worksheet with the class, he looses track about halfway through it. They are having his teachers complete ADD screening surveys. We are having a team meeting in November. If the results come back like I think they will, I'm going to try to have him evaluated at children's mercy or PSU for confirmation and then seek medication. 

I know I had Isaiah stop after a few years. In his case he wasn't as severely impaired by his ADD and the meds had him looking emaciated. He could gain weight or sleep and his grades were not better. I talked to the COOP's nurse and she recommended just getting the short term pills and redosing him at mid-day. She said the weight gain issues were more problematic with the time release formulation and that for some kids the time release stuff doesn't even kick in until the school day is almost over. 

I wish I were a better mom and partner and teacher. i guess I will settle for blogging and wishing he'd just text me. I need to work on that. 

Bad Blogger, or moved on?

I'm sure you've noticed, dear readers, that I am not writing on here nearly as often as I used to. When I started blogging, it was out of a need for an emotional outlet. I look back at the person I was five and six years ago and at the person I am not.

Then I was lost and alone and terrified. I was scared that nothing would change and afraid of the wrong sort of change happening. I felt isolated and powerless to change my life for the better. I had a community around me that was actively working to sabotage me. I'm sure they didn't, and still don't, think of it that way. But when a man who calls himself "Preacher" beats a child's bottom so hard its black and blue over jumping on a couch, and then calls child protective services on that child's mother over a messy home, there really is no other word for it.

When a supposed friend backs out of promises to take a carless mother to a grocery store, and then calls cps when she is out of food, its sabotage. The wrong kind of milk, the wrong kind of discipline, the kids coats on but not zipped, the kids don't have enough clothing . . . . these were things these people reported me on. They reported me so much that the social worker assigned to me told me to sever ties and move away.

I found a way to do it.

I pursued higher degrees and better jobs. And now I am that scared woman, but I'm more. I'm a confident teacher. I have a boyfriend who is truly the sweetest person I know. I have bright, smart boys who are fun and funny.

My dad still lives too far away and seems to place everyone and everything above me. I don't know if he realizes how it looks when he takes all these trips but he can't take one to come see me. I can't spend more energy on that anymore. I love him and I choose to maintain the relationship for my kids. But I can't take it personally anymore. I've come to realize just how damaged he and his wife are.

I have friends here that care about me because they like and respect me. They build me up. They don't overwhelm me with advice and offers of help that come with string attached. I have a job that it hard every single day, but it is rewarding every single day.

If I don't blog as much anymore, it is because the internal noise has quieted down enough that I don't need to use blogger as a place holder for my thoughts and emotions.

I still have things that I need to deal with. I'm a slob, chris is a neat freak. We go around a bit over finding a happy medium. Chris wants to buy a house, I don't mind renting; if I own a place I want it to be nice and I want it to be close enough to my current job that the kids don't need to change schools.

My oldest son is turning 14 and I'm not sure I'm ready for him to be a teenager. I know kids his age who are parents. Who are experimenting with drugs and alcohol. I worry about the kids he is hanging out with and what he does for fun when he's away from my sight.

I want to trust him and be cool. I also want to know what he's doing and where he is and who he hangs out with and what their parents do for a living. I can't seem to manage both. I think my youngest may be academically gifted. He picks up spelling and reading so fast. I realized he might be truly gifted when I spelled out for his big brother "we may be going to the Z - O - O or to P-U-T P-U-T. And Noah says "We're going to the Zoo!".

And now he sees words and asks me what they mean. Words on TV, Brands and initials on products around the house, things on paper. He wants to know what it says.

Gideon is still a nut. He plays very intently with small objects, creating a world and a story line for them with lines and sound effects and little props. It can drive you nuts if he's doing it next to you. He is so intent on it that it takes some effort to break through it to get his attention. And then later he's impulsively bouncinf from sofa to floor and back, or sitting upside down on the chair. He is behind in school and on special education. I'm afraid they are going to want him medicated and I really don't want to do that.

The more I work with big kids, the more convinced I am that medicating a brain is no way to make it a normally developed brain.