Welp, That was Interesting . . . .

Not even sure what else to say.

I have some road trips to plan. I need to try to coordinate with dad about weather or not the kids will be staying with him. I need to coordinate with my guy in Colorado about when or if would be the best time to come up. They live in high altitude land, so it sounds like if I were to visit for a week, I'd spend the first three days feel like yuckasaurus.

I do like were things may be going. I hope its because I like the person involved enough to make it work, and not because I'm a lonely person.

And it totally doesn't help that he's a reader. Damn, self editing! Oh well. Call me.

Life in Iola is pretty good. I finally finished my professional development points for the coop. On the very last day they'd be accepted. Can you say "procrastination"? I can spell it.

Anyway, we've already been to the pool twice and as usual, I burned and will peel and am currently in the itchy/painful stage. I put on sunscreen and I sun screened the kids. They didn't burn to the extend I did so I either was more thorough on them than I was on myself or I am just more vulnerable to the burn.  A student who's also in foster care has stopped by to visit a couple of times. She borrowed some books too. I like the kids but I wish that she'd call first so I could just invite her to dinner or something instead of her showing up and expecting to be entertained.

My Colorado friend left today for home. I didn't want to let him go and I wish I had spent more time with him while he was here. He's a good person, spend like a week or maybe longer in Kansas and every single day he was doing something for or with someone he hadn't seen in forever. I would have hidden out on a beach with some music, some books, and probably some booze.

My brothers were both in jail over memorial day, I guess it was a family get together of sorts. Tom was released the other day, but Mike was sent on to a different jail in a different county. Tom posted this all on facebook so we'd all know. classy of him.

I don't know what to do. I know what I want. But I also know that there are other people involved and I can't just snap my fingers and expect others to fall in line. I want him, with me. I want to stay in Iola where I have some senority established and the community is small and friendly and Isaiah has friends and I have friends. He's spent enough time living and working in where he has that he really isn't motivated to settle in Kansas. And I can't blame him a bit. But I think if I try to uproot Isaiah again, the kid is going to rebel and I'll lose him forever. And I'm afraid of moving again and what it would do to my career. At some point the schools get tired of seeing people come in, stay for a little while and leaving. They want people to be willing to stay.

Summer time

On the one hand, I'm always in favor of more free time. On the other hand, I am a person who tends to thrive on structure and a sense of urgency. My normal is to go go go all week or more and then collapse into a day or two of absolute sloth to recharge before doing it all over again. I don't know how to transition into summer with so much free time.. Its not gradual, its work work work up until the last moment getting things done and then . . . .   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  ..  . . .. . . . . . .


Nothing.


I've already rearranged the living room, cleaned my room, and bought flash cards and writing paper for a little bit of summer home school.


And that's with me being a bit sick. I have a cold sore, I know it sounds whiny, but it is a viral outbreak and it makes the whole body feel sick.


I haven't heard from the kids' dad. After his insistence that I only email him on Wednesday and any other communication would be reported to the police, I basically called his bluff. I emailed him about his kids and his poor parenting every day until Wednesday, when I didn't email him at all. Thursday I told him that until I got a serious apology from him neither I nor the kids would be interested in contacting him.

I guess that isn't exactly true. Isaiah isn't interested, but the little boys miss seeing their dad. I know Isaiah misses HAVING a dad. He's told me he wishes I would date and marry so he could have a dad. I know what he means. I love our little family, but I know what's missing.

But I also know that there are so many times that the fantasy of forming a new family is a false one. I was raped by my stepfather. I know other people who were beaten, molested, verbally and emotionally abused or just ignored by their step fathers. And so often the mothers are so wrapped up in the need for a relationship that they turn a blind eye to the needs of their kids. Or they allow themselves to become dependent on the man's money or something else about him so they feel like they must put up with it.

I realize I have issues with a capitol "I" and that I tend to keep most of the people in my life at arm's length. I know that my dating habits are almost guaranteed to be unsuccessful. I allow myself to feel unworthy of many men. The ones I find myself comfortable aiming for are men I know are inappropriate for my life so I don't really put much effort in.

I am aware of my issues, but not how to alter the mindset behind them in such a way as to be more successful. Success being defined as meeting nice people and forming relationships that are appropriate for my life and kids.

So I try not to think about it at all.

Good things are happening. I have some good friends here and it occurred to me the other day that this is home, Home. The place has become imprinted on my brain. Even this shitty rental house is home. I wish I owned it so that I could just fix the things that need fixed. (I'd start with the foundation, then the roof, followed by the floors and kitchen). I should get off my ass and start actually saving money and paying off all these old debts that are chasing me around. Then I could buy a decent house. And fix and decorate all I want.

My good friend, Chris, is coming to visit. We were in school from first grade to high school. I haven't seen him for twelve or fifteen years. He's been in Colorado. I know he feels like he needs to be there doing what he's doing, but I worry about him. He's also a reader and like the only person who knows me who is a blog reader. Anyway, we're going to hang out a little. It should be fun.

Supremely dissappointed

I have tried to encourage a healthy relationship between my sons and their dad. It hasn't been easy for me. The ex is abrasive and a liar. He also tends to make everything about himself and is prone to dropping out of the world with no explanation or warning. Two weeks ago I spoke with him about his seeing the boys this weekend. I didn't realize that this was mother's day weekend at the time. After that conversation, there was no contact. I figured out by Friday evening that he had no intention of seeing his kids this weekend. I made plans to keep the kids happy, I'd already told them he wanted to see them. This morning I sent a carefully worded email. I let him know that his relationship with his kids was in serious danger of deteriorating passed the point of salvage and that I felt this would not be good for them or him. He called me within the hour. He was angry and full of excuses. And alarmingly unconcerned about rescuing his relationship with his sons. Apparently I am abusing and harassing him and if I do not stop, he will have a restraining order filed. I've spoken to the man twice in a month. I'm going to post my email and his on this website and on craig's list. And maybe a few other places. If he wants to accuse me of harassment, I think I'll earn the accusation.

Are They Tying to Start a Fight?

Gideon had his Safebase blue plate dinner tonight. Now I remember why I skipped out on the last one. Too many people, too big a crowd. That last ones were at least indoors so that the kids were reletively contained. This one was at the children's garden. They had that block of Sycamore blocked off, but Lincoln wasn't, and Lincoln is one of the busier streets in town. I knew there'd be no parking so Isaiah, Noah and I rode our bikes there. Gideon would ride home on Isaiah's pegs. I still can't decide if it was white trash or clever to avoid taking the car. Noah was so slow getting there. I almost crashed just because I can't roll at a standstill and hold balance. And he tends to just stop peddling or swerve into a street. Anyway, I was annoyed before we even got there. Then we are there, Isaiah has gone ahead and reports back that yes, its a mad house. Kids and parents and siblings milling all over the place. I find a metal hand rail next to the sidewalk across the street to tie our bikes up to. And Gideon spots me. He is so insane. He didn't tell his teacher or wait for me to come to him, he jumped the fence, ran through traffic, almost got hit by the east and west bound lanes, and runs to me. Like he's going to be taken away or I won't claim him or something. So now I am annoyed with Noah, annoyed at the disorganization of the event and scared over Gideon. We cross the street, at a cross walk, and find out that to line up for food, one much fill out a survey, there are no tables at which to survey, just a large group of adults crammed around a table filling in this survey. I wait a good five minutes before someone hands me a clip board and a pencil. I step away from the table (wow, concept, clear the area for more people) and begin to fill the thing in. Gideon and Noah spot some friends and a game of chase, run away, starts. I call the boys who belong to me back, there are just too many people and too much chaos around for me to be comfortable with them running off. And besides, as soon as I am done with the form we will stand in line for food. Noah comes back, still horsing around, but closer. Gideon resists, his big brother drags him to me. I tell him to stay, he kicks at Isaiah and hits at me. So I take him by the arm, march him to a curb and sit him down. He immdiately does what he does in that situation, pulls his knees up, puts his head down and circles his arms around. His way of closing himself off from input, from me. He tends to pout like this for five or ten minutes and then either move on or try to go back to what got him in trouble in the first place. With him finally close and Noah staying close, I finish the damn survey. (I hate rating things from one to four). And then something weird happens. A woman I don't know comes up to Gideon and asks him to give her a hug. He was in no mood and just turned so his back was towards her, I gave her a WTF look and she left. No explaination. Then her friend comes over. "Excuse me, can I talk to you in private?" "I'm with my kids, what can I do for you" "I want to talk in private" "what ever it is, say it or leave" "Well, I saw you grab that kid and it bothered me I was abused and noone said anything so now I am" "Okay, you don't know the whole situation and I'd like you to leave us alone." She didn't. And I was already stressed and pissed. And then I've handed in the form and am trying to get my guys moving to a table I have my hands on their heads, herding, guiding, them to a table I've spotted that's empty. And I can hear them behind me going on about how I have my hands on kids and it must make me feel good to be mean to little kids. And then I'm in her face inviting her to tell me her name and either call in an authority or shut the hell up. I insist they introduce themselves. I call them cowards to hound someone without at least that. My friend talks me into backing off, but my hands are shaking and I'm more angry that I've been since Shane threatened to kill me if I didn't shut up. That was two days before I left the house we shared with two suitcases, a baby and a pregnancy. The talk, you know, that loud, meant to be over heard talk, went on all through the meal. I ignored it. They found excuses to walk past our table. I ignored it. The kids picked at their food. I thought it was okay, the chicken was burnt and we don't like potato salad. When we were finished I let them play a while, but there was no bathroom there and they were way too interested in the manure pile attached to the garden. (It isn't an area set up like a park at all) So I gathered them up to go home. There was resistance, but not too much. Gideon and Noah liked the idea of racing home. Gideon and Isaiah won. Noah rode even more slowly on the way home. It will be a while before he's zipping around like his brothers. I hate that I got so mad and so in their face. But I ultimately wasn't wrong. You don't mess with someone else's kids and you don't pick and pick at someone who is out with their kids. I'm tired, and I'm stressed out and I'm fed up with these small town shit heads. I'm lonely and I'm scared and I'm tired of running. And mostly, I wish Gideon weren't so . . . Gideon sometimes.

Excuse me while I rant a bit

I am a 30 year old woman with three beautiful kids, a job I love, a community I enjoy and friends I care about. I make enough money to comfortably meet our basic needs with a little left over for spoiling the kids. I have no reason to complain. But I am going to anyway and it all boils down to envy. I know that envy is a black burden to carry and that if I can let go of it I will be a happier person. But I can't seem to. See, here's the problem. I was a good kid. I wasn't rebellious, I wasn't obstinate or defiant. I didn't lie to my parents or steal from them or destroy their property. I got pregnant as a teenager, but I never quit school. I worked and paid for all his needs, like clothing and formula, myself. I got state assistance for daycare. I even bought my own car. I didn't leave the baby with my mom and dad so I could go party. But I grew up having to walk on eggshells. My mom was so unstable that if she percieved an imagined slight, she would go into a fit, and throw the offending kid to the curb. My dad was living with a woman who didn't want to have anything to do with his kids, so it was hard enough to see him, the idea of going to him if mom threw me out was laughable. I paid for my own expenses and rent to my mom and bought household groceries on top of it all. Then mom was dead and I was having to support my dad, my brothers and myself and my kid. No one helped me. No one swooped in and said "here, let me make your life easier". And why would they? I wasn't there kid. I wasn't their problem. I was the teen mom daughter of the black sheep of the family. Fast forward ten years. My cousins are all grown now. Some of them are married. And the help they get from their parents and my grandfather is hard to be blind to. Grampa wouldn't even cosign a car loan for me when my car was breaking down. He gives money to my cousin as a gift. Because he's proud of her. I had to live in government housing to finish college, I worked three jobs and twice the police banged in my door because they had the wrong address. DO you know how hard it is to convince a swat team they are at the wrong place? My cousin, who was a bad kid, who was terrifyingly promiscouce, who is shallow and trite and just not a very nice person is always rubbing the help she gets from her mom in my face. I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she's just clueless. She announces that she picked her bank so it would be easier for her mom to transfer money into her account. She gets her folks to pay part of her rent so she can live in a nice part of town and not have to get a roommate. She just got her mom to buy her a new car because the clunker she had been driving was unreliable. And then the next day she's on facebook praying about accepting hardships. Her sister, who is my age, is a nitwit. She creates all this drama because of the men she chooses to keep company with. Her kids all have issues and aside from getting SSI for them, she doesn't really watch the issues closely - her diabetic daughter almost died because she was letting the kid check her own blood sugar and not making sure she was being accurate about it. Her mom is talking about buying her a nice house and letting her rent it cheaply. This is less than five years after they cosigned her mortgage and she married an idiot and moved out of her own house when the marriage went south. The house ended up in forclosure. I know that people will do things for their own kids that they wont do for their nieces. I know that I can provide for all these needs that others are providing for my cousins. But I can't quit feeling resentful. I keep wondering what the hell I did to end up shut out. Also, I hate the new blogger format. It publishes everything in a huge block of text, that's not how I typed it.

Is It So Odd

That sometimes I just dont want to make eye contact with other people? It isn't that I am dishonest or dislike them. I just don't want to look at their eyes.

Insomnia, How I despise You!

I hate not being able to sleep. Last night and the night before I would feel myself drifting off. That beautiful sinking feeling, and then it would be gone and I'd be back at that Eyes closed and relaxed, but not asleep point. Today I was worthless at work. Just goofed and unable to focus and almost nauseated with exhaustion. I ended up leaving early and skipping out of a staff meeting. I got my money back that Mike had spent off my Debit card. It was over $300 dollars. Not enough to absolutely screw me over, but it would have been scary tight without it. I don't like that feeling of not being sure I have enough to get through to the next pay day. I guess no one does. The police just pulled values out of their asses about what my stuff was worth. An $850 camera was listed as $150. The computers were $300. I hope the insurance company reads my report and looks at my receipts to see what was actually stolen. I miss having a camera. I miss being able to get a decent night of sleep. I am going to take sleepy pills tonight, I know it will make me groggy in the morning, but I have to do something.