Can't help it. That's just what's on my mind these days.
I know I am tired of being single, it gets so old being alone and the only one responsible for everything. But I look around at the serious, married relationships of people I know and those don't really appeal either.
My cousin Opal is a year older than I am. She married a guy she was madly in love with about two and half years ago. He's spent most of that time laid off, but when he was off work having him at home all the time was like her having four kids to take care of instead of three, and all the actual kids have special needs. Now he's back at work and he will be secretive about his income, hid money from her, buy more lawn care products than their tiny yard needs and leave her unable to pay the bills. He also tends to hoard things so if you loan them a tent, he never gives it back. They barely speak to each other.
My other cousin got married right out of high school. He husband dropped out of college to work as a driver for UPS. Then he got bored with that and joined the army and volunteered to go to Afganistan "because he feels like he needs that experience". He's like a big kid, he never helps her with the kids, they have two toddlers.
Her sister married a man because she was pregnant. He's a teacher, she's a respitory therapist. He applied for a job that would have required he and she move while she was finishing her masters. She would have had to drop out of the program or live apart from him. He applied without even consulting her.
I guess my point in examining these things is, what are they getting out of it? The income? Doesn't help Opal. Her husband pays child support and spends the rest on himself. There isn't much help there.
Help? Autem's husband is leaving the family to go play soldier, I have no problem with patriotism, but the man's whole attitude is "I'm doing this for fun" not "I feel duty bound to help".
Support? Amber's husband won't let her take a full time position because she'd have to start off on nights, and he was willing to take her away from her program for a new job when he was already employed.
Love? Love is hard to see. And harder to cultivate sometimes. How do you go from just meeting someone to caring for them to the point that their crap is worth dealing with?
I honestly like my autonomy. I like sleeping alone in a big bed and being able to run a fan and the pile on the blankets. I like being able to make spending choices and to know whats coming in and what's going out and not to have to run things by another person. I like being the one who picks the meals and plans the trips and sets the schedules.
But . . . . . .
I like men too. I'm seeing a guy right now. I've talked about him on here before. And one the one hand the has some things about him that I am very attracted to. He is so smart and funny, and a bit of a nerd and a good dad to his kiddo. He also has some things about him that make me very ambivalent about any long term possibilities. He drinks a lot, he's working as a pizza delivery guy when even he admits he can be doing better, while he's working as a part time pizza dude he spends a lot of time "playing" fishing, camping, drinking at friends' houses, that sort of thing.
We've had a conversation that went something like this
Him: I like your personality and you are attractive and I like that you are a teach, but I don't see much in the way of dating you or being married in the future with you. You've been married before and have the three kids already and I want to experience a first marriage with someone.
Me: You aren't exactly mr perfect. (and I tell him the things that bother me a little) But I am not your mom. I don't think I can even be at a point of being that serious with someone right now.
Him: We can keep things casual and see how it goes.
There was more, but that's the gist.
And here's the thing. Casual in terms of we aren't planning a wedding or picking a place to live together, but a couple sounds really good to me right now. Casual as in, I will only hear from him when he's honry and bored doesn't sound so good. And I am honestly not sure which kind of casual we are dealing with here.
Why does it have to be so complicated?
1 comment:
Just reread and rethought some of the conversations J and I had had. And realized that anyone who is within a month of meeting a woman and announces he can't see marrying her so he doesn't want to date her is nutty. He's over thinking it. And where does he get off complaining about me having kids and having been married for all of two months, when he's got a kid of his own?
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