Most of the time, I attempt to operate as though the opposite were true. That all people were islands. I like being an island. I make the rules and I set the agendas.
But I wonder how healthy that is.
Lots of things have been going in in the periphery of my life that I haven't been able to write about here. Strange to go from pouring out my soul, sometimes several times a day, to going a week or more between posts and not having much to say. I guess we grow out of it.
Anyway, my brothers are both majorly pissed at me. Tom for the whole car/fiancée/homeless mess. They broke up by the way. Not that its a surprise. I also have a 27 year old jeep for sale is anyone is interested. Mike is, if not mad, then certainly working on me.
He was going to go into a year long re-entry program after the rehab place. But the he got there and realized that it wasn't all glitz and spa treatments, that he would have rules, chores, roommates, and was expected to learn to man up. He didn't last 12 hours.
At first he called me and tried to tell me they were kicking him out if he didn't produce a lot of money. I talked with the administrator and found out that wasn't exactly true. He just wanted to leave and knew I'd come get him if they threw him out.
I told him I wouldn't, he needed to stay there and get well, really well. He got another friend of his to pick him up. But the friend won't let him stay there. So he's been calling me several times a day to try and talk me into letting him stay with me.
He says he'll get food stamps so it wont cost me anything, he'll help with the kids and the house, and he won't complain about sleeping on the floor.
But I'm so sorry. No. I am not a half way house, a drug counselor, a rehab facility, or an employment agency.
I'm a mom and I can't have my volatile brothers in and out and in and out. They are both adults. They are not the little boys I was getting up for school when I was 12 and they were 10 and 8. They are grown men. They need to stand on their own and quit making their problems mine.
But I get so tired of hearing him ask and having to say no no no no no no no and he thinks he can talk me into it.
The next man I want to move into my home or move in with, I want to be a husband or a partner.
And I think I have on picked out. But there are the same old issues there. We get each other, we like each other. We're both stubborn and parents who refuse to compromise what's best for our kids.
All his best qualities are also the ones that stand in the way of a real long term thing happening. I've tried to break off with him. He's tried. But we keep coming back to each other.
What is that? Why can't I either say "I love him and want him" or leave the whole thing be? I used to be stone inside. Now I'm not.
And then there's Isaiah. My oldest child. He's 12, fascinated with the opposite gender. He isn't passing school, he cons his teachers and he is permanently assigned to the after school tutoring program, but tries to get out of it. Then his teachers act like I'm a weirdo when I bring him back to school.
I just want him to be responsible for things. To take school seriously and grow into a good, honorable man. Instead he's a bit of a con artist and a blow-hard. I know it sounds mean, but its also true. He wont play baseball because when he was in first grade he won a trophy. So why play anymore. Am I the only one who thinks that's bullshit?
So, my illusion of being an island is crumbling. Or sinking. I know a man I want to be with. But my worries over money and kids and the hows and wheres and whens hold me back from admitting what I want. I have an oldest son who's doing his best to become a lying blow-hard asshole like his father, and my little brothers wont quit begging me for help and then blowing it up in my face later.
Maybe the problem is me.
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