All tied up in knots

first things first. I did two things for myself.

I made a doctor's appointment with an in-network doctor. I"m going to try to have some of these odd symptoms sorted out. If they try to just put me on antidepressants, I'm gonna scream.

What symptoms you ask? Well, I've had joint pain in my hands, shoulders, and feet on and off sometimes one side, sometimes another side for seven years all together. I've tried to get help before and was made to feel like a drug seeking crazy person. Now its starting in my writst and plams as well.

On top of that, sometimes I'm just tired. I'm not depressed. I'm tired. MY bones hurt and I want to sit with a heating pad and not move. Not good for a mother of three.

I get strange rashes, some come and go, some never go away.

The other thing I did is make an eye doctor appointment. I'm gonna try to talk them into contacts. I have insurance so I can afford to try the more air permeable lenses.

I got my brother out of the house. My aunt, who is now styling herself as a life coach and who has been involved with NA and AA for years has made him a project. She's already got him a job at the amazon fulfillment center when she works.

It is so very nice to have my house back.

On to the knots.

Top of the list is men. I let myself feel more than I should I think. I remind myself that he's no great prize and that most of the time he acts indifferent to me. But then he calls just to chat and the pitter patters in my heart start again.

I am a dumbass.

Sometimes I feel like I will always be alone. I will always be surrounded by people who are enjoying the thing I want the most. I feel like there's a hole missing in my chest that needs filled with love.

Pastos say seek God. I feel like I did in the years after I left Shane. I was more lonely and desperate then than I am now. Experts say nurture the relationships and hobbies you already have.

But there's only so much mommy-kid time I can take without some adult interaction to temper it. And while it would be ideal to make close friends at work, I sometimes need to rant and bitch about shit at work, that's dangerous when that's also your social group.

Then interenet is a source of solace and torment for me. Maybe I should just log off for a while.