The situation as it stands is this: I took a job that I now feel isn't going to be for me in the long run. But the pay is better than general education and its kinda bad business to take a job, keep it a school year and then try to hop to another, especially in this economy. Of course, they are saying that the governor is going to cut special education, so maybe its a good idea to look around.
Aside from not being thrilled with the job (which could be chaulked up to end of term fatigue) I am really not happy with the community. I feel so far away from my aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. I admit that I tend to be shy and stand off-ish, but I feel like I don't fit here. I haven't made any real friends here.
I miss Pittsburg, with the Y and the nice parks and the big library and the fact that there's always something going on. Hell, I even miss the farmers market.
Those things alone are enough to consider moving back, right?
Then there's the guy. I like him a lot. But do I like him because he didn't run away from my less than perfect body and situation, or do I really like him? I have feelings for him, but I also have enough reservations that I know I should step away. Except I can't. Because he's a good lover and a good man and I haven't met many of those so the one I know is hard to walk away from. Plus, he teaches me how to have fun. Its hard to explain.
Then there's the brother. He arranged for his daughter to come visit this weekend, but this morning he hid out in side or in the bathroom instead of watching her. I kept having to tell him to go supervise his kid. He'd give her and the boys permission to go outside and play and then not watch them. Hello, they need watched.
He showered this morning, then showered again this evening. HE sits around and then tension rolling off him makes me uncomfortable from across the room. His solution to the fact that he's here taking up my spaces, eating my food and running up my utilities is to go get food stamps.
Truth is that people are always disappointing me. So I tend to keep myself distant. This makes me lonely. This makes me overly attached to the few people who do make it through the defenses. And those people who do make it through, tend to be the sorts of people who end up disappointing me all over again.
I don't know what to do to feel normal. I feel like the life I want is always going to be held out like a carrot of a string, and I'll keep reaching for it and not getting it. Because I've made poor choices or because I'm not pretty enough, not talented enough. Too much a prude, to easy to lay. Nothing about me is right.
And he's told me all these things. That I live too far away, that I have three kids, that I don't want to have more babies. I've heard him say them and I know that means that even though he likes my personality and my looks and my spirit and my job and my attitude towards life, he doesn't like the package.
But that 's the problem isn't it? No quality man wants a thing to do with this package. Too much history, too much baggage, too many kids, too fat, too stubborn. I did the right thing years ago when I could have gotten a ride to a clinic and pretended nothing had happened. And I've paid for it ever since.
I thought that if you worked hard, were a good person and treated others well, good things would happen for you. I know I have good things in my life. I have beautiful sons. I have a good job and the ability to support them without government help. When I get child support it goes into a savings account.
But I want love. I want an adult man who wants to cuddle with me at night. I want a guy who's willing to play with my kids or ride herd on them so I can get dinner on, or a bath or just rest a moment.
Why would God let me meet someone I like so much and then make it so that he's got no interest in anything real with me? Why do I feel like the no interest thing isn't really all that true, but I don't know how to go about letting things grow without becoming an over bearing, calling and texting all the time psyco of a girl?
What the hell is wrong with me?
So please, God, if you bother to listen at all. Give me something here. I feel like I'm standing on a cliff and loosing my balance. I feel like what I want and need for my long term has gotten tangles with what makes me feel good and confused with my idiot brother's nonsense and I don't know how to sort it all out.
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