If you watch, you cry

But somehow not watching is worse.

There's nothing I can do to help. The problems there are so huge. People lost, no food, no water, no fuel. Nuclear melt down. Nuclear contamination.

What could I possibly do. I can't do anything.

So I watch the news. I read the stories and I look at the pictures.

And I feel like crying. And then I go back to work. Because a disaster on the other side of the planet, more war in the middle east, and anything else that might be going on isn't an excuse to not feel like dealing with people. I bet they think I'm depressed.

I don't think I am. I just dislike my job more and more.

I feel like there is an ever moving target I must hit in terms of perfection. I feel like information and advice I'm given once turns out to be wrong later. I thought I would be teaching, but I'm not. I'm a para in the room who has slightly more authority to work deals for the kids.

I'm also afraid to be looking for work in earnest. What if they find out and decide to replace me and then I don't get a job? What is my frequent moving is starting to look bad?

What if there's something wrong with me and I never will be satisfied with where I am or what I am doing. How do I know what to do?

I miss Pittsburg so much. The friends I had there. The resources available to a single mom. Hell, the younger crowd. And all my cousins are in Parsons or Pittsburg. Right now its over an hour drive to get to them.

Ok, well, enough being all emo. I'm going out to a bar with another teacher tonight. We gonna drink a few beers, maybe shoot some pool. Release some steam.

I'm gonna try to have a good time. And not think about the guy who always seems to be on my mind.