false

Okay, so I need to apologise for being overly dramatic and more than a little whiney.

The social worker came back right on time and talked with Isaiah and Noah. I had just gotten in from a grocery run so they were eating apples and grapes. Noah gave her some grapes and told her they were yummy. Isaiah told her he ate all day and weighs 110 pounds, both of which are true.

And she left.

I am not a perfect house keeper. I tend to enjoy a little clutter, mostly because when I start putting things away I can't find anything, and mostly because I have a lot of crap.

But I'm not dirty by any means.

Other areas of life are life. I wish I had more energy to get out and walk/jog/run more often. I'm thinking about trying to go early in the morning instead of waiting until nine at night, but I'm not much of a morning person.

Did I mention that I broke down and ordered a new little computer? Well I did, mostly because that was the only way I could find to keep my sanity. I got a Gateway lt mini netbook. Its kinda tiny, but it was only $200 and so far its been nice.

Isaiah wants one like it for his birthday. Since all the technology in my house seems to have gone on the fritz recently, I may consider it. He also needs pants and shoes.

I think my ex-husband is the one who's been calling. He did this to another woman he has a child with, only in that case, he made enough accusations against her that he was able to get a custody hearing for the child in question. He eventually lost, but I'm sure it was expensive and stressful for her.

I think from now on I'm just not ever going to let him into my home. Usually when he comes to get them, if they are right then ready to go, I will let him in and wait in the living room. No more buddy.

Its labor day weekend, I'm short of cash. Not super short, but its long enough until payday that I want to stay close to home. I have my kids on what should be my weekend off and I miss my guy.

I miss him, but I'm also wondering if I should keep him. On the one hand, I really care about him, I love spending time with him and I could see living with or being married to him. We have fun together and we are pretty compatable.

But he lives so far away, and he isn't willing to move, nor should he have to. I have a good job here that pays well. I sometimes wonder, am I holding onto this relationship because I want a relationship, or am I holding onto it because I want him. And if I want him, is he good enough for me, for my boys?

It seems kinda mean when I look at it that way, doesn't it. Truth is, if there were more "acceptable" men around here, I probably wouldn't feel that way about him. But the population is so poor, uneducated, unmotivated, and cultish.

I have met people here who are educated, but they left, and came back and are all from huge local families. The under-surface politics of who is related to who drives me nuts.

Anyway, I don't know what I want or what to do or what's going on. This week I signed Gideon up for boyscouts. The troop leaders encourage grampas to participate too, that the the happy families there to sign up their own boys kinda depressed me a little. It eats at a person, being alone all the time. Makes me question my worth. And its exhausting having to carry the emotional load by myself all the time.

Maybe I should just lower my standards, throw caution into the wind and marry the next half decent one that pays attention. Maybe I should move to Tennessee to be closer to my dad. Maybe I should stay here and be that woman that never dates and never marries who people talk about. Maybe I think too much.