Freaking out a little

Okay, I know I tend to get on a subject and then procede To torture myself with it. But I am seriously freaking out. Its this whole going back to real life college and moving thing.

Its all I think about. I panic about being able to afford it. Then I remember how generous student aid is for graduate students. Then I worry about being able to repay the loans. Then I tell myself that it will still be better then what I am doing now. Then I worry about finding a place that the kids can play. Do I get a house with a little yard or do I play it safe with a high effeciency, and cramped, apartment. Middle of the town, or out in the boonies.

I get over all that and then its. Getting the kids medical reacords transfered, Getting IEPs moved to the other school system. What about child care? What about what about what about.

Do I do this to myself on purpose. Creat crisis after crisis?

I talked to one of my brother's today. He is the one who has been living in pittsburg since his wife moved there. Of course, she has three boyfriends and I don't even want to think about what Lexi has been exposed to. What creeps her mother lets around her. The really sad thing, I don't want to use moving there to get me any closer to the situation. I don't want to know. I don't want to babysit. I don't want to be stuck in the middle of that mess. I am a coward and a selfiish ass.

Anyway. Mike seems to be doing well. He has a REAL LIFE JOB. He works fro SKILL. The company runs group homes fro developmentally dissabled adults. As he puts it, he watched TV all day and occasionally changes a diaper. Once you get over it, adult diapers are about the same as baby diapers. (Years as a nurse aid, we developed a saying, you weren't one until you could wipe an ass with one hand and eat a sandwich with another).

I asked him if he'd be up to helping me move, he said yes. He said he knows some other guys up there who would probably help me and not rip me off. I'll bet that if I threw in pizza of a few dollars fro gas (although that is getting rapidly more expensive a proposition) that they would be okay.

Soo, On the one hand things are falling into place. I Have all sorts of leads on rental places, both apartments and houses. I have one of two needed letters of reference. I have submitted a writing sample and I even know what classes I will take this summer. I even called and dropped the Benedictine class. I was hesitant to do that. I have never dropped a class before. But I already know that I wont be continueing that line of study, it seems a waste of time and money to keep at it now. Still. Freaking out and I Am trying so hard to remain calm.

Then there is the packing. I hate packing. And cleaning. And prioritizing what is worth moving and what needs purged.

Argh. I have such a habit of stepping in it up to my knees. Pray for me.