The little two kids are both sick with this virus and are cranky and out of sorts. They won't play they won't nap and they won't quit screaming at eachother. My brohter who had said he would baby sit for me and loan me some money is now acting like he's going to be broke, big liar.
I am flat ass, no kidding, completely without cash and I hate that feeling. I hate that I let it happen and I am not sure HOW it happened. I watch what I spend so carefully. How did I run out of money two weeks before I get paid? I am getting charity to get Isaiah school supplies. I don't even want to think about school clothes (although if he wont get rid of some shirts and pants I am not buying more, his clothes will not fit in his dresser). I would call or email his father about it, but I doubt he would help, he would use it as an excuse to bitch at me but he wouldn't help. Or even get his folks to help.
Don't get me wrong. I love being a mom. I love these funny, smart, unique little people who greet me every morning and hug me all day long if I let them. But there are days I wish I could be just completely unattached. I would camp. I would hike. I would like in an RV and see the country and move it when I felt the need. I'd have a big dumb dog.
I feel like a terrible person for having these feelings. Because I honestly do not know what I would do without them for real. I'd be lost. But sometimes I feel like I carry this burden all alone and no one cares, no one wants to help, and the burded scares people away from me. Leaves me alone and loooking like a bitter, spiteful freak of a women whose youth and beauty and creativity is lost.
I'm moping. don't read this or take it too seriously. I didn't sleep last night, and I don't think I will sleep tonight either.
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