I think it may be that things are certainly better than they were three years ago. I am not homless, pregnant and unemployed, so that's better. I am not living in my father's house with his new family letting me know just how unwelcome I am, so that's better. I am working a job that requires me to use all my smarts, creativity, and talent, versus working a job that a well trained monkey could handle, so that's better.
Things aren't perfect. I could always use a little more money. And somedays I feel so tired, stressed, and pissy that I wonder if I'm not every bit as crazy as mom was. Yesterday was one of those. I wish I had someone in my life that I felt like i could absolutely, positively count on no matter what. I don't have that, and I kinda doubt I ever will. I am already looking for a teaching job for next year. Some hair-brained part of me wants to throw away caution and apply all over the country instead of just all ove the state. Why live in butt fuck egypt, when we can live in las vegas (Isaiah's pick) or the pacific northwest (cooler summers and minimal winters, what could be better?) Or somewhere metroplitan enough that I don't have to worry about the lack of intelligent, educated people to meet (Definitely lacking here). My mom had the opportunity to leave parsons when I was still in grade school. She tunred it down inorder to keep us in a small town, close to family.
It didn't result in healthy happy successful kids, that's for damn sure. For all I've accomplished, I think that what people will always look at is the fact I was a teen mom. That I am a constantly single woman raising three rowdy little boys. I think that no matter what I do, that people will look at that and think to themselves, "what would she have been able to do if she hadn't fucked up her life."
I don't want to have people think that, I don't want to think that.
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