Thinking

So, summer, at least the vacationpart, if not the weather part, is basically over. At this point I feel like I have always felt at the end of summer, like I wasted it. I know that isn't true. I finshed my degree requirements and now have an actual diploma to go in that fancy folder they gave me when I graduated. I took my kids to see their grandparents and had a few weeks to myself. I explored the world of dating a bit more than I had previously. I got into the habit of sleeping in, but not into the habit of keeping a clean home. I got to hang out with my kids. I stayed out late with friends.

But, summer is over and some things need to change. One of them is this whole dating thing I've been trying. Just last week I was singing its praises. But, I think i give up. It seems like no matter how nice the guy seems, he ends up pissing me off, which probably means I am not really ready to date. I was talking to a guy via text message and for the past two weeks he's been saying keep your weekend open, I want to take you out, but not ever following through. But he will just text me throughout the day. And it was all just casual hello, how are you, what are you up to, what do you like sort of stuff, then last night, at like two am (and I only heard the phone because I was having trouble getting to sleep) someone texts me. I get up to see who it is (my brohter sometimes has only text turned on his phone and it could have been an emergency) and its this guy who I thought was a decent guy asking "are you naked lol"

And now I'm pissed and I'm not going to answer his texts and I'm not going to go out with him or email him. Sex is nice, but that isn't the relationship I want. So I'm not going to waste my time with him. And he's been the "best candidate" so far. The rest were even cruder, earlier in the communication process, or were unemployed, uneducated, iliterate, didn't have cars, ect.

So school is starting, my time is much more valuble and this process, while fun, isn't finding me what I want. So I am stopping for a while.

In a way, I am replacing one activity, combing the net for a date, with another. A friend and I are planning on attending an areobic kickboxing class together. We tried it out last week, and although I felt like I was going to die at one point in the class. It was fun, I survived, and aside from a mild amount of stiffness the next day, I feel great. That evening after the class I thought I would be exhausted, but instead I was relaxed and energized. Its hard to explain how it felt except to say great, and the next day I still felt really good.

So I plan on being at the Y at least two days a week. It probably wont be enough to make me in to a size two any time soon, but if it makes me healthier internally and keeps lifting my mood, then it will be more than worthwhile.

Which brings me to something else. This week a guy who was less than successful at dating and had allowed himself to become very bitter towards the people he blamed for that, women, went on a shooting spree at a gym. I think the reason he choose a gym was that he knew he would have lots of women to shoot at. As more reporting has been done, it turns out he was almost fifty, and wanted to date a woman under thrity. That he was very antisocial with people in his work life, and that although he wanted a social life, he kept very much to himself.

I am so sad for the families and the women he killed, but I am also sad for him. To have spent so much time obcessing over dating and to be so miserable that he decided to just kill people. I may never find someone who is my perfect fit. I'm busy and I'm picky and i have kids and I'm not a size two and I'm no super model. From a purely dating perspecive, I am the definition of the shallow end.

But I am actually more ok with being stubbornly who I am and being unpartnered than I am with changing who I am and what is important to me in a relationship, just so I can be in a relationship.

So thats the announcement. More real world interaction, less internet dating.