turning off and tuning out- but not the way you are thinking

So, this just leave the TV off thing isn't as easy as it sounds. First of all, its so damn quiet with out it on in the mornings. And then there is the constant wonder, what's the weather, what's happening, is anything on? I'm working on it.

In the afternoons I've turned it over to the kids. I let them have one to one and a half hours of cartoons or silly kid shows while I get supper arranged and try to exert some order on the mess around here (that's a loosing battle if I have ever encountered one)

It has been cold, wet and rainy for days now. I like fall weather, but that's usually because we have these crisp clear days that start our cool but warm up enough that its almost hot. With a perfect blue sky that you can only find here, and only in October. But not now. now we have rain and rain and rain and rain and rain and . . . . you get the idea.

I like that fact that the medicine the doc put me on has made me calmer, less unbearably irritable, and less impulsive. But I hate the fact that I feel fuzzy, out of focus, and like my memory is a bit off. I came home to find the dishwasher empty. I didn't remember telling Isaiah to empty it, so I thanked him and told him he was a good kid for doing it. His reply was that I had told him. I don't remember it. I remember telling him to load and run it last night. I remember watching a movie with the boys. I remember the little guys crawling into bed with me in the middle of the night. I don't remember tellling Isaiah to run the dishwasher.

Its other stuff too. Assignments for my classes. Homework I've assigned my students. Conversations I think I've had.

And there's the fact that all of a sudden four and half hours isn't enough sleep anymore. Do you realize how much productivity you loose when you have to find three more hours to rest? And I feel like I can't multi task like I could. Honestly, having the TV going while I worked or typed never used to be a problem. Now it is.

So, I've made a concerted effort to turn off the TV, and its off now. I have one show a night that I DVR and watch the next day. And I sit so I am not facing a clock to work. It helps. Keeps me working and not worrying about time to go to bed or whatever.

But I still feel like I'm out of focus and wearing someone else's glasses that are just a bit off from my prescription. Only the fizziness is in my brain.

And what really bugs me is the fear that this means I am crazier than I thought I was. And what if my "condition" and therefore the need for meds and their side effects, gets worse? In thirty years will I be one of those people who is either a raving lunatic, or a pharmaceutical zombie? Which is worse anyway? My soul or my sanity? Which would you choose?