I can't even explain it except that I have this picture in my head of what I want in my life. And then I look around and I see almost the complete opposite.
I want to be independent, a mom living with her kiddos and doing well. I see: me, my kids, and three grown men sharing a house. Its been hot, so me being the complete pushover that I am, I offer to rearrange sleeping situations so everyone sleeps inside (Tom had been sleeping on a couch in the garage). Now Isaiah sleeps in the bottom bunk of Noahs bed, and Noah and Gideon in my bed with me. Tom sleeps in Isaiah's bed and Mike and Nick share the living room with one in the recliner and one on the couch.
So I have little kids in my bed, they're hot, they sometimes pee, and its crowded. Isaiah seems to enjoy the bunk bed though . . . Its just not what I wanted. I feel like I have no space or privacy and it makes me irritable with everyone. I know the little guys just wanna hug me and play, but they grab at me and I hate it.
I want a parnter-lover-friend-spouse in my life. I meet people. Seems like I get along well with others. But it always goes in a different direction or I look at the people I'm meeting and just feel sad. Because the people you meet and how they treat you is a reflection of you-right? We say it isn't, but lets face it, it is. You don't see MDs married to beach bum-pot heads.
The guys I have met and at least spoken to about possibly dating in the past year are: 1)unemployed and living at home on disability and turned out the be bipolar. 2)A smart guy who delivers pizzas because he likes the schedule only he quit that job so now he's unemployed, and he plays these stupid "I like you and you are cute but I don't think I wanna date you" games but then will ask me over to hang out, where he cooks for me, watches stupid movies with me and nothing remotely sexual takes place, everything is on his schedule, but now's he talking like he'll come see me after I move? I shouldn't put up with it 3) Lives in another city and is "in the process of" leaving his marriage (valid reason or not, I really don't know) 4) was WAY log distance who canceled a visit at the last minute for no other reason then apparently I am crazy or something. 4) works at walmart, lives with sister, plays role playing games on line all day.
I mean, look at the line up. Crazy, lazy, and Mentally unstable seem to dominate the pack. I don't want to spend my life a celibate spinster. And I don't want to get my only contact through casual hookups that have no meaning and are not part of a loving relationship.
But if all I can attract are this, what else is there? Just thinking about it makes me feel sadder and lonelier than ever.
I see myself as responsible, but I'm always short on money and in oder to move I have to burn several bridges here. (Like short the landlord and power company). I hate doing it, I take pride in paying my bills, but I can't pay bills here and mover there. I am so tired of feeling like I am hanging off a cliff by my fingernails.
I can't sleep, I have no apatite and no energy lately, and can't focus. I know its stress and I know I should be doing a better job of compartmentalizing. But damn, can for just once, things go in a way that helps me out?
4 comments:
man there last year and they are still going strong. I know you can't afford it but I thinkYou need to go to e harmony. Or a site for singles that you pay. Otherwise all you will meet are those types of men. My g. daughter met a it's $30.00 a month. Try it.
You sound like me. Dating-wise, I mean. I'm sick of dating. I want to create a male robot that will watch movies with me and rub my back when I want it. I hope things get better for you. Are you doing online dating? If so, that's a big problem. No sane men there. I even tried eharmony and match.com. Same type of people. Eharmony strings you a long more though cuz you can't see what you're getting until you've been talking for a bit. Then they shock you with a hobbit.
I don't know why but my last post seems disjointed. This is a p.s. Pay your bills, it'll come back and bite you at some point. Even if you can mail them a cheque after you move and start making some money. In my last post it should read that you need to join a dating site that costs $$. You'll meet men that have more substance and might be more serious. Free sites are really for men who have nothing.
I'm just taking down the profiles on Plenty of fish and okcupid.
I'm sure the pay sites are a little better, but the problem with those is that any idiot can post a profile, but if they haven't paid for it then all the email you send does no good.
I'm pausing in the pursuit for a while at least. Will try to elaborate in my next post.
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