A step in the right direction . . . or At Least a Step After Months and Years of Paralysis

Today started well. I showered last night so I didn't have the whole hygene thing to deal with this morning. The kids all got dressed without giveing me any problems. Isaiah even got his own sack lunch together for a field trip. We actually left the house on time. The baby and the little brother were dropped off without incident. Isaiah was in time for school breakfast.

I tell you all this to demonstrate that I had every intention of going to work today. But my students did not show up. I am paid to work with two specific students. Wednesday they were not here either. That time it was arranged by my boss, Mr R. He felt that since they did well on their alternative state assessments (of course the tests were specifically designed to be passed by these two students) they shoudl get a day off like the rest of the kids who scored "outstanding" on their assessments.

Yay! the reres get a day off too. except it turns out that MrR would like me to spend the day doing inventory (which we had already doen twice) and packing up Tri-county property (NOt standard operating procedure, just because) and oh, while you are at it, PAck up my property too.

Thats right. HIs own personal property. No, as a general rule, Paras do not pack teachers' stuff for them. We don't walk dogs, take dictation, or run personal errands. WE are paid to work with special needs children. CHILDREN. NOT A PERSONAL ASSISTANT.

Anyhow, I grinned, did the work, much to my back's dismay. So, today when the same situation arose, I pointed out that I am paid to work with kids. With no kids to work with, I should probably leave. And I did.

With most of the day ahead of me. Sunny, warm. Full of potential. I did something astounding. I drove over to pittsburg. I looked into housing options. I talked up a few potential employers and made contact with one housing unit. In other words. I made a first step towards moving out of this tiny town.

Dad's visit made me ralize how little we really had here. But if I moved to tennessee now, I would be goign out there blind. I would have truly marketable skills. I wouldn't know the lay of the land. I would still just be moving blindly to be near people, who though I love them, have abused and abandoned me. Have made me feel worthless and taken me for granted.

But it also helped clarify and crystalize what I need to be willing to do for me and the boys. I need to be willing to try for more then just getting by. I need to be willing to reach. TO leave this place that has been a nursery of sorts. I want to teach. The program I am in now is great, for people who are already working in public health. It isn't so great for someone trying to enter the field with no real experience.

And working with kids for these past months has been so fun. I mean it. They are great. Right on the verge of deciding who they will be in their lives. So many are in such bad places. Most of the teachers come from such perfect backgrounds and live such, safe, soft conventional lives, the students can't relate.

I'm not saying I am all that great, but I think there is room for someone like me in educating young adults. I am in many ways, the antithesis of all things high school. I hate cheerleading and all it stands for. I think that there are too many sports programs and too few outreach programs for kids in risky situations. I think that instead of ignoring the banter that may include references to sex, bullying, gossip and truly desperate situations at home. Why is it that no one makes a safe place for them where they don't have to be normal? Why is that not a social club? Why does a society that knows the damage that dark secrets breed allow them to fester?

I dunno. I know I have been offered entrance into a masters program. IT will get me a master's degree and make me a treacher of at least science. I know that it is designed for working people, nights, summers, weekends. But I can't see commuting to pitt after working all day here. I can't see finding someone here willing to come watch the kids.

But pitt is full of college kids who probably wouldn't mind spending two of three hours watching some nice kids. In a house with cable, enternet and plenty of DVDs. Pitt has schools that need subs. They also have a special ed coop like the one I work for here. There are grocery stores, a small mall, churches, apartment complexes. Just more. Its bigger and faster. The college of education actually will examine little kids, like gideon, for free.

I think this could be a good thing. But it scares me too. I've said before and I'll say again. I hate change. But my mother was paralyzed by the same fear that now holds me in place. She choose to stay where she was. She was near relatives, who weren't all that helpful as it all played out. WE had the same schools, that sucked. And she was miserable. I think I will make a different choice.