It manifests itself in different ways. In my mother it was in her drug use and in the way she treated people - in a world where relationships matter she destroyed as many as she could. She also was ultimately lazy. She took absolutely the easiest way to everything. That meant that she got the college degree but was unwilling to move to the places where the jobs were. She struggled with her career in po-dunk Parsons and eventually found a way to go onto disability. Then she mostly sat around the house playing at various projects and interests. Leatherworking, soap making, gardening, cooking, rosaries. She put most of our family's resources into there intersts than she did into raising us kids.
My dad has it too, his was in his drinking and continues to be in his need to be taken care of. He puts up with about anything as long as he has that relationship. He and twyla have been married almost four years, and I hope they last, but if she ever leaves him (and trust me it will be that way and not the other) he will either completely fall apart or end up in another relationship very quickly.
My brothers, drugs, booze, attitude. They will do well for a while and then they will stop going to work, start partying too much. Then they loose their job, their place, abandon their stuff, and end up lost, homeless, and hopeless.
And me? What about me? Right, cause I'm the good one, right? Bullshit. I have my own way of completely screwing up my life. Apathy is one way. I will know I have things to take care of, work things, school things, house keeping things. And I will sit on the couch and watch TV I hate or surf websites I've already read instead of doing them. You see, its easier for me to fail through having not tried than it is for me to work and still fall short. I also tend to fall into the worst sorts of relationships.
Lately they haven't been relationships so much as hook ups. Not that casual, but people I like enough to spend some time with and go to bed with, who don't mind that I am not looking for dating or marriage or anything but some time with another adult. It sounds bad, right? But I'm busy, my kids and my job and my graduate classes take a lot of my time and attention. I get maybe two nights a month away from the kids. If on a few of those nights I choose to get thorougly laid, whose problem is it.
Then I met Mr. Nice. He was nice. Not looking for a hook up. I liked him well enough to not arrange the relationship as such. ( and yes, as stupid as I am, the way you start a relationship dictates the outcome) So we took things slow. Did things other than eachother with eachother. Built or attempted to build something. At one point I thought he was completely put off by everything whirling around me. I stopped calling or emailing him. Figured it would be easier on everyone if I let things go rather than try to force something that wasn't going to work.
But he calls me last week. Basically says he's crazy about me. We pick back up. Only now there is passion with a capitol P. Its fun too. Gotta say, sex was good. Didn't do anything with the kids home. But let myself think that maybe this was something worth my time, my attention. My emotions.
Which is where my self destruct comes in. I get to thinking that people care about me. Apparently I was wrong. Again. Apparently I was so wrong that when Mr. Nice came over for what I thought was going to be an evening of adult time, what I got was a quicky after sitting through an atrocious movie. After said quicky (not bad, but I'm not one for quickies would rather linger enjoy, and snuggle) he practically jumps outta bed, gets dressed and grabs the terrible movie (year one don't watch it). Says its due back before ten and he wants to grab some coffee, will be back. No don't want me to ride with him.
Weird I think. A few minutes later I get an email. (sorry, can't do this).
What?!?!?!?
So here I am. Kids at their dad's for the weekend. A weird winter weather storm barreling in, have been broken up with via email message after sex.
All I can say is . . . very freaking tempted to go get a bottle of rum and some real coke and get wasted. Oh, and this weekend is the eighth anniversary of my mom's death. Maybe my way of handling the anniversary wasn't the best. But a night of raunchy sex has to be healthier than a weekend of feeling sad and sorry for myself.
Growl probably going to delete this.
3 comments:
He's just plain weird, don't waste your time even thinking about him. Send him an email thanking him for leaving now and not making your life miserable with him in it. Then refuse to let yourself think anything good about him.
Go and get your hair done, a pedicure, a walk in the park with Gizmo. Read a book. Do something for you.
You know your family sets itself up for failure..you recognize that, so do the stuff that needs doing, try doing it in 15 or 30 minute installments. Housework doesn't count. ;) Maybe you should delete the part of your post that you aren't comfy with having out in cyberspace.
Delete it? No. Its supposed to be an honest place and if I start sanitizing it it looses that for me. Besides, no one who Actually knows me knows I keep it.
I think the giz and I are going to go for a drive later.
Uhm, coke as in coke with real sugar, not the other kind of coke. Wouldn't know where to get that. Now, painkillers I can get. But not that.
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