Thinking

About the future.

I hate change. But I feel like I have to move forward or be stuck forever. I like my job. But I need to make enough money to not be on food stamps and not to have to have my kids on medicaide. Is it wrong to say I need more than that? I don't think so.

And yet, I feel like a traitor.

I interview over the phone on wednesday, I don't know how much to hope for there. Its for a chemistry/physics position which is not my strong suit, and its in a teeny tiny town in the middle of BFE (bum-fuck egypt).

I interview Friday in colony ks, its also a small town and a tiny school district. Its not far from some bigger places though, so like an hour and a half would have us in the KC area to shop or go to museums or the like. There is also a walmart not far from there. So its all good. And there is something very appealing about living in a town small enough to walk to the store. Kinda like the old days.

I know not to get my hopes up because the way teachers are hired makes it hard unless you know someone or are related to someone. And they have a pay matrix that means I cost more than someone with less of a degree, even if I don't particularly want to cost more than those people (and I don't it makes it harder to get a job).

And then there is the move issue. Tom wants to go in to rent a place here in Pitt, which on the one hand sounds like a decent idea. Then there are weeks like these when he lets our drug addict pill shooting cousin stay over and his good for nothing ass wipe of a friend crash there at the same time. In a one bedroom apartment. where he and Mike are already staying. If he and I were renting together and he wanted to pull something like that, I couldn't stop him.

But my lease is up in may. I can either sign it, move later if I get an offer and not get my deposite back, or I can move when its up and be stuck where ever that is for the duration. I hate that feeling. Of having two choices and neither seems wise.

And then there is the academic stuff. The more I learn about special ed, the more I hate it. They are more interested in keeping things cheap for the school districts, making sure the district isn't on the hook for anything that would be inconvenient, and getting the paper work right. Very little goes into how to teach a kid who can't read. Or how to reach a kid so full of pain and fear that he's shut down. I want to stop it, because its expensive and at some point I will have to repay it all. But I am afraid if I do it will bite me in the ass at some point.

And I've been thinking about those days in Neodesha. When I didn't have a car and made six dollars an hour. Had to beg people who called themselves my friends for a ride to the grocery store. Having to walk to the corner store in the middle of the night while the kids were in bed to grab a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread because I hadn't been able to find ride. Buying Shwan's with food stamps because while it was over priced, they also delivered, eliminating the need for as many rides.

I hated it. But I was skinnier than I am now, all the walking. I was more careful with my groceries because I knew I couldn't just run out and get more. Life had a slower pace. Sometimes too slow. Too isolated. Too entrapped in that church culture.

I know we are better off now. The schools are great and there are lots of resources for a single mom and her kids, at least two of which are sped material. If I move to rural kansas to take a job, finding a sitter will be hell. No one will be there to come babysit if I want to go out. And out will consist of either a single bar or a church sociable. And I probably wont find many fellow nerds to hang out with.

But then, its not like I know any around here, who don't live with their parents. Why not move to a small town where I can keep an eye and an ear on everything the boys do. Where rents are lower and if you stay long enough you become someone everyone knows and looks out for.

Sigh . . . I just don't know sometimes. And that's the truth.