I am so screwed

Oh, there were lots of titles I thought about putting in.

"downing in fundraisers"

Isaiah is selling cookie dough (at an inflated price) for band and selling knives and kitchen kitch for church youth groups.

Gideon is selling stuff too, just for his school I think.

If I were a good mom I'd take them all door to door and make sure I ordered out of each book. But I guess I'm not that great a parent. See, I bought Isaiah a trumpet, and he's getting better, I will buy him shoes and uniforms and probably pay for and chaperon trips for him during his band career, why should I participate in hawking frozen cookie dough too?

The youth group thing? yeah, its for high schoolers. Isaiah can't go on the trip they are fundraising for. Unchristian of me to feel like its a bit much to ask him to finance it, huh?

And the kindergarten thing? Its a freaking public school. Little kids like that don't do after school activities or have bands or anything like that. What's this money going to?

Maybe I'm just a greedy selfish miser. Or maybe I'm feeling overwhelmed by fundraisers. Or maybe I'd rather throw a twenty into each pot and know it was all going to help a particular thing than buy over priced crap and not know how much of my cash is going to the cause. Those fundraising businesses, they make a profit. Just saying.

So, aside from fundraisers, how am I screwed? How about a $300 dollar utility bill for the second month in a row, I swear if I come home to a house that's been air conditioned into chilliness again, someone's fingers are going to be broken. Human beings can function just fine at 75 degrees, its even comfortable. But that thermostat keeps finding its way to 65 or lower. That's too cold. I have better things to spend my money on.

Work is . . . its work. I like my job, its moments of feeling like I'm doing good inter-spaced with frustration. The kids are pushing me, I'm having to push back. Its like a dance.

then there's the paperwork. Gotta file, gotta write, gotta do this or that, oh, we forgot to tell you this, you needed to have done that.

School, grad school sucks. I have a class that meets weekly, she gives partial information on assignments. I'm a planner so I like to know what's going to be expected for a task. I don't like not knowing. I also tend to show up late because I live so far out.

I have another that needs me to video myself teaching, what? To give a week's worth of lessons, and to have a cooperating teacher, like student teaching without the student part. And its administered by one of these professors who seems to forget that people who are working have actual job responsibilities to take care of.

My ex-husband is unemployed. I have gotten three 10 dollar checks in the last three weeks, the are docking the unemployment. I don't actually NEED the money, but I think it would have been decent of him to let me know that it would be decreasing.

Gideon started his after school program. He got 14 out of 14 his first day. Cool beans. I love that funny little guy.

Noah's white blanky that he's had since birth smells like a dead thing and no amount of bleaching or washing or fabreezing seems to get it clean. I think it may need to be given an honorable burial. There will be tears.

I have a date this weekend. I'm nervous about it. He's a "better" type then I've seen much of. He works as a paramedic, owns his own house. We've chatted and met once. Seems nice. Sweet. I tend to aim lower and then not care how things go. Wanting to impress is new to me.

And its almost eleven, I have so much else I should be doing. And I'm here typing away.

I am so screwed.