Is there a line between doing your best and resignation?
These are some questions I find myself asking of myself. I tend to hold myself and those around to very high standards. I want the best for and of myself. And I want the best for and of those I care about.
But, what is the best? I guess that's the question you have to answer before you can decide if someone is or is not living up to their potential.
To me the best is actually a balancing act of its own. It is that place where your own talents and work meet your hobbies and family life. Someone who is really operating at their best has both the ability to spend time with their families, provide a comfortable living, and do work that is fulfilling and positive.
If it sounds like a lot, it is, that's the point. Its something we all work towards and few ever get perfect.
Which gets me back to my original thought, how close is close enough. This all started when I made a comment to the effect that remaining in poverty when education will offer the ability to live a better life. To me, the few years of stress and being busy are worth a life time of better oportunities and the security that a greater income offers.
Another commented that I haven't experienced the full impact of the isolation and desperation of poverty. That I was assuming that others were lazy.
I guess part of me feels like maybe she should read my blog before she assumes that I haven't known isolation and desperation. And part of me thinks shes just wrong.
When a young woman has a child and she has little or no education past high school, her options for employment and providing for her child are very very limited. Minimum wage, first fired, limited. Women in such a situation are often faced with the choice of working their asses off at two or three jobs, never seeing their kids and barely being able to make ends meet even with teh help of foodstamps, subsidized housing and health care, and maybe child support. In this example she never sees her child, has a lousy quality of life, and even the smallest mishap can cause her life to spiral into oblivian. Another option many women take is to not work. To use what welfare and assistance from family they can get to stay home with their child or children. They still live in subsidized housing that sucks and is scary, but they get to spend time with their children. If they manage things very carefully, they get by. But they never get up.
I reject both options. if being educated is preventing a person from working a job that allows decent income (defined by not needing government assistance) and decent home life, then go get educated! Short of disability of the body and mind, there is not acceptable reason to bring your kids up like that. If nothing is available locally, MOVE!
Why is this so unreasonable? I'm not saying that welfare is evil and shouldn't exsist. and I am not saying that poor people are lazy. I am saying that if life is miserable, make it better.
5 comments:
What you say is true, that education is the way out of poverty but given the two scenarios you outlined, which one did you go through and how did you do it? Once you explain that, you will probably notice that you had something extra, I'm guessing support from your family, scholarship, etc. and that extra thing may not be available to everybody.
In cases where you are on your own, the only alternative may be to collect welfare, take care of your kids and get them to school age, where you can then attack the long term problem, education. The key here is not to have any more kids and things will get better.
I spent my time on welfare and hated it. Its not just the fact that you have to report to a social worker all the time. And its not just the fact that you are poor all the time and never have enough money to pay for food, housing, and transportation.
Its just no fun.
I've also worked so many jobs that I didn't know if I was coming or going. I've had jobs that were humiliating to do - hotel maid, fast food cashier/cook, nurse's aid, house keeper. The hours were long, they made even my young body ache, the pay was awful, and I never saw my son.
Scholarships? No, they don't give scholarships to women who have children at the age of 17. Family support? My mom was a drug user, mentally and chronically ill manipulator who did everything she could to keep everyone dependent on her. My dad was an alcoholic who needed taken care of. My brothers were worthless.
I am not special or privileged in any way that sets me apart from the rest of the general population.
Why is it unreasonable for me to look at those who started in similar situations to myself and wish that as a group, we were a lot less pathetic?
Batticus, I got your comment but accidentially deleted it, now its gone forever. I apologize for that.
I see your point, and maybe it is a valid one. But as someone who finds themselves in forums which advocate for better treatmetn and status of single moms and their kids, it is frustrating when the people I want to help lift up would just as soon not put in the effort.
alley - your mom was a drug user, but pro-educational? interesting combination. as for myself - i had a great paying job that i loved, unfortunately i was let go the day i found out i was pregnant. my family was pro-education when i was in school, which in my case means that they wanted me to go to school but didn't really care if i struggled in any way while i was there. i was severely depressed in high school, attempted suicide twice, mom was an alcoholic, stepdad was rarely home, beat up by my brother on a regular basis. i know lots of siblings fight, but he went above & beyond; he even tried to kill me a couple of times. i had few close friends. i got pregnant early in my relationship, but it didn't take long to realize my daughters father would never be of much help to me. he could not hold down a job for longer than 2 months. like i said, i was let go from my job the day i found out i was pregnant. i had to take a much lesser paying job, sold most of my possessions trying to avoid welfare. my family was so disgusted by my choice to keep my child their reaction was, you made your bed, you lay in it. i supported the 3 of us for awhile, until i finally kicked him out. his family was a big help, they watched her while i worked. i never did well in traditional school, so i took a skills training course offered by the welfare dept, & managed to get a great job. i was let go from that one due to the economy. and i am struggling yet again. preparing to go to school yet again. college isn't for everyone. it is possible to make money to support a family without it. my ex has been gone for almost 2 yrs now, he is almost 3 yrs behind in child support. they can't catch up with him, because he moves so often & bounces around from job to job so often.
just a comment regarding welfare - i know each state is different, but i'm familiar with the workings of human services in three different states, & they all have time limits for how long you can be on it, job search requirements, & if you have another child while you are collecting, you can't get more money. i'm not on welfare now, i haven't been on in 3 yrs. i admit i did get help with the cost of daycare, as someone mentioned on the other site it is very costly, & my daughter is covered by state ins, & i am not. i do not get foodstamps or wic either.
its not fair to judge someone for not making the same choices you did. as others have said, maybe you had something they did not have. no 2 situations are the same.
My mom was mentally ill, so yeah there were lots of times she was pushing me in two directions.
She wanted me to do well, but she also wanted to spend most of her time in a mentally altered state.
Welfare does have time limits here, I think in most states. My argument is that it's temporary and anyone using it should know its temporary, and lately, dependent on politics, so it shouldn't be part of anyone's long term plan for survival. And on that particular day, I felt like people were advocating counting on it long term.
College is only one option. Go to trade school, get on a company with an in house training program.
I know that a lack of skills holds many young mothers back. Instead of looking to external sources of suport, such as child support, state welfare ect, we as a group should seek to be as self sufficient as possible.
Anyway, I feel like I am talking in circles, thanks for sharing and please believe that I have nothing but respect for all moms who work to be good to their kids.
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