I suck at some things

Like planning something to do with myself on a holiday weekend. Of course, I tend to set myself up for dissapointment. I set my eye and my desire on someone who can't, won't, or doesn't want to return the feeling. And allow myself to fall into an arrangement instead of a relationship. Arrangements are not relationships. I am not making a moral judgement on them, they certainly serve their purposes, but when one wants a relationship, an arrangement is almost cruel.

I'm being vague. I don't know why. Its not like I've ever been shy with this place. I guess because I'm a little dissapointed in myself, and my instinct is to present my own self in the most positive light. I know I wrote that I would stop seeing J, but I didn't. He invited me over a couple of times, and I went.

Its hard for me, because any time in the past I've been in a relationship or arragenment that needed to end, it was so much clearer. There was anger, jealosy, name calling, fighting, crying. With J, there's just his statement that as much as he likes me, he doesn't want to start anything until he's in a better situation in his life (I know this is an excuse). And my feeling like I don't matter a bit to him, its nice if I show up, but not an issue if I don't.

I am not a terribly picky woman. I don't have a long list of things a guy must have, income, house, car, job and such, in order to be good enough to date me. But I do want to feel like he sees me as important and special in his life. I know important and special don't happen over night, but after five or six months, something should be there.

So, this is it, I really am done. I don't know what it is in me that makes it hard for me to dump these people who are bad for my emotional and mental health. Something lacking in my own self concept I am sure. Its like I crave attention and would rather have attention from anyone, rather than waiting for a special someone.

I know that I have lots going for me. I have a job that is great and challenging and pays me worlds more than I've ever made, and puts me and this kids, finally, out of poverty.

Is my attraction to that man, in his tiny rent-subsidized apartment with is child he sees every time he can, and his unemployment and his school, an attempt to hold on to that other part of my life. That part that was so scared and so desperate for a way out. Is it him I am attracted too, or that I know where he is and its more familiar to me than where I am going?

does any of this make sense? at all?

Anyway, getting back to my original title, I saw him last week, we talked a little about doing something fun, and then I heard nothing all week from him. It hurts to be lead to believe one thing and then experience another. It makes things clearer.

So no boyfriend to have fun with this holiday weekend, and kids at their dad's house. What did I do? Nothing. Played online and watched TV and did laundry. Its nice to have my car back, but I'm broke from paying its bill and can't go anywhere. So that's it for me.

I need a new plan. I know what I want and what I don't want. I'm just sometimes mixed up on how to find that.