The establishment

It seems clichéd, but there really is an "establishment" of social class, expectations, and norms. Those on the inside of this tend to benefit. Those on the outside not so much. Most people inside were born inside and have stayed there. Those on the outside were either born inside and slipped out due to a combination of luck and choice, or were born on the outside and never really had a chance to be an insider.

I was born on the outside. My parents were poor, they grew pot and used all sorts of drugs when I was little before my mom settled on prescription drugs and my dad alcohol later on. I grew up in a home that was used to being poor, it was small, it was crowded, and while there was always enough food, there weren't family trips, nice clothes or pretty cars and toys. I grew up notbeing a member of the who's who of the town and was, in fact, raised to think that those who worried about who's who in town were idiots beneath my contempt.

In addition to being born on the outside, I made some life choices early on that pretty much guarantee that I will always be seen as not belonging to that inside group. I had a child at 17 and didn't marry the father. (of course I also graduated high school with my class and went on to college, which I also successfully finished in four years, eventually earning not one but two master's degrees, but the unwed mother thing kinda wipes all that out). I had the audacity to have another child out of wedlock, by a different father, six years later (forget that the man and I had lived together for over a year, had discussed children and marriage, and planned on following through on that). Two years later, I had another child, with the father of the first one. (yeah yeah, I know, didn't work once, what makes me think it will work twice). Point being, I'm the scum of the earth. I'm a morally loose woman.

I've worked a variety of menial jobs, from cheap motel maid to nurse's aid, to volunteer EMS, to fast food, to house cleaning, to para, to teacher. I've been on food stamps and welfare. I am a leech on society because even now I don't make enough money to actually pay any income taxes.

I am permanently on the outside in many people's books. Including my own. I have no desire to join a country club. To become active in a church who's members are the "good" people in town seems like a waste of time and certainly wasn't a spiritually enlightening experience. I do not care to discuss which student's parents married which no good ijjit and which student is pregnant or to pass judgment on families who are non-typical but trying to do their best.

I am an outsider working inside the establishment. Most days this fact is easy to ignore. I make sure the tattoos are covered before I go into work and I try to resist the temptation to dye my hair a truly punk rock color and pierce my nose.

Because from the inside I can effect change. I can bully, smile, sweet talk, and bully some more until the SPED staff is actually a coordinated group instead of a few people chasing our tails. I can work with the kids. These kids who come from backgrounds that make mine look like utopia and who are still so strong and so hopeful and so full of spirit and life. And I can get a few of them to try, to just try to aim for the same things that the kids born on the inside take for granted that they will get.

And its for the kids I do this. Even though sometimes when they feel unsure they throw up blocks (in the form of F___ you , or I hate this, or walking out of class) and even though just when I think one may turn the corner, he makes a stupid choice and ends up in juvenile detention instead.

I do this because there is no such thing as a bad kid or a lost cause or a waste of space or a should never have been born. And to that end I will put up with dried up, judgmental old hags who like to talk behind my back, call my students names and send nasty emails about a situation that they previously agreed to. To that end I will work with this long term sub who thinks that passing judgment and gossiping about our students with problems and about who bought what house in town and who is married to who and who dated who and who is something worth her time and attention. I will teach her how to use this system I'm developing to keep track of our students, their work, their needs and their progress.

I will work in the same building and in the same system as these small, petty creatures who either went into teaching for the wrong reasons or who has lost their faith in what they do. But I will not leave things the way I found them, nor will I bow to the status quo. I will never care which kid of a nice family ended up doing stupid things after high school. Unlike some people, I graduated high school, moved on with my life, and have more important things to worry about.

The day I am actually interested in who's christmas lights were just too much, is the day I want one of you to come shoot me. seriously.

For the record, any child who had a child as an eighth grader, and is here in school as a freshmen, and taking care of her child does not need cps called if you see said child out with out a jacket or socks. She needs an older, wiser mother to suggest a jacket for the baby. Or to give her one.

Anyway, the point of this long, convoluted, and nonsensical rant, is that while I work inside an establishment. I am not of the establishment, and I intend to change it so that those who are of the establishment, find themselves on the sidelines, isolated, impotent, and unemployed.