Sometimes I really wonder

Why I bother to get my hopes up about things. It always ends up causing me hurt. I know that isn't true, but thats how I feel right now. If I have a wall up around myself (which I have been told that I do) the many dissappointments in my life are the cause.

I applied to get transfered to a three bedroom place a while back. I was told that all I needed to do was to come in, sign a form and wait for my turn on the list. I was told that was all I would need to do. A few weeks ago (maybe three) a three bedroom unit was opened up.

Now the story changed. Now they have a policy that they had to reference before they could let me know if I could move. Now it seems that I can't move. They claim I have been late with teh rent twice, that I never did any community service and that I never reported an incom change.

I was late with the rent this month. With preacher being sick and everyone else freaking out, I couldn't get a ride up there but once. That one time, the office was closed. They have no drop box.

I did my community service every week. I guess I just didn't make sure that time sheets were sent in. I didn't even owe rent the other month they say I was late, so I know that this was made up. And I reported my job the same week I started. I remember the conversation I had with the people in the office.

I feel like the old paranoia is sneeking back into my mind. Like they must not like me or must have someone they like more that they want to move in there. They say that for my family composition that this is an appropriatly sized unit. Which means that they think that three little boys can occupy a single bedroom with no problems.

I already had ordered a set of bunk beds. I guess when they get here I will set them up and then move Noah in there too. I will have to remove a lot of toys though. The idea of getting rid of stuff of theirs makes me very uneasy. I think it because I have caused them, especially Isaiah, to loose so much already. I know that it is normal to go through and get rid of things that are broken, outgrown and un-played with. But that particular skill is not one I am good at.

I have a pounding headache. I am trying to not be mand about this. I am sure that the family that gets into there will be happy to have it and will need it (lets face it, peopel don't live in public housing unless they need it).

In another year I will be almost done with my master's program. I will have a vehicle. I will have so much going for me, it will be like this year was, the transformation will be that great. I am bigger then to be bitter over an apartment with more rooms but not more square footage (they look the same from the outside).

so, I am trying to not feel persecuted. I am trying not see this as a good thing (Like I don't have to worry about packing up my stuff just to move a few yards) (like the fact that right now, my home faces the main road, rather then the annex, which is a good thing. there is a lot of non-sence and back and forth that goes on back there).

Peace, alley, peace.