PSU is cooperating. I was assured that they would not charge an outrageous amount when I checked out. I just got the email, $680. That's apparently not outrageous. That's what I need to come up with before I can enroll for the next term, get my grades, order transcripts, anything.
In case no one noticed, I don't have almost $700 sitting around. I used my savings to get moved out of that place. I live payday to payday. I know, poor white trash and all. Foolish irresponsible jackass.
I can't win. I try and I try. I keep my chin up, I maintain as best as I can. And I just can't win.
I wish I at least had someone who cared enough to hug me. I wish I had a partner in my life. I know if I did he couldn't fix it for me. But I wouldn't feel so alone in all this. A partner, that'd be worth a lot to me. I'd sacrifice too, because it is about sacrifice on both parts.
But at the moment, I am not in that position. I am apparently stuck. Stuck in a job that doesn't pay enough. Stuck with a bill I can't pay. Stuck in an academic program I can't finish.
There are days I hate my life. There are days I hate everyone around me. There are days I hate myself for all the things I've said that I shouldn't have, and didn't say that I should have.
And then there are days like today, when I feel all three at once and I need a friend and I look around and there is none to be seen.
3 comments:
Oh my goodness, I can feel your angst. This will pass. I wish I could come up with something great to say. Other than this too will pass.
I know. I know.
But its just so hard some days. When will it be my turn to have a good life?
You don't realize it yet but this is a great time in your life. You have your kids around you, and little house, a job, food on the table and you're not out scrubbing someone elses floors. You just don't have companionship. I have thin beautiful granddaughters about your age, without children who have the same complaint about finding a companion.
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