So now this happens and I try to do the same. But I guess it didn't work because people have been coming up to me all day and asking if I am ok. What am I supposed to say? That my habit of taking an idea or feeling and running with it has sabotaged what might have been a great thing? I could go on with the woe is me, but you've all read it before. I am sure it gets boring.
I fell quickly, I guess I'm gonna have to hope I heal quickly too. I Am not happy with what's happened. But I know I can't talk a person into doing something they don't want to do. To try would be pathetic and unsuccessful.
For tonight, I'm ordering chinese food, watching sappy TV shows, and playing with my boys. This weekend, when I was supposed to have a datenight, may be another story. But the boys will be at their dad's and I'll be free to wallow and whine to my heart's content.
................................... Later .................................................................
So, the chinese food helped. Taking all the boys and the dog on a walk in the golden light of the evening helped a lot. All of us walking on the sidewalk, Gizmo a wiggly white streak in the grass, Isaiah and Gideon running ahead and pausing at the corners. Me Pushing along the scooter with noah riding. The golden light and the cool air and the green grass. And I almost felt okay again.
Almost.
Because it was beautiful, and they are beautiful, and why can't I be happy with that? Why can't they be enough for me?
Why am I so broken?
3 comments:
(((HUGS)))
Have you spoke with him about this? Maybe he's testing you to see if you really like him? I think you should send him an email, telling him how you're feeling and then leave it alone, no more contact. At least you'll have made an effort.
Glad you went for that walk, a change of scene often helps a lot.
I did email him. Gist is that he's got too much going on right now and the addition of me, even as a long distance thing, is overwhelming.
How do you rebut that? How do you try without making an even bigger fool of yourself than you already did?
I guess its my fault. I bought into someone else's hype. I should know better.
I lost your comment somehow. Must have hit the wrong button.
Post it again and I'll approve it.
Oh, and frosting on the shit-cake. He's a blogger. He's all over most of the other blogs I read. He doesn't seem to be nearly as upset as I am . . . but then again, that's what I get for believing someone else's hype. Maybe I'll post those emails after all.
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