1) I turn 29 on Tuesday. I know it doesn't make me old, but its another year older. Another year I've spent alone and lonely with little emotional support. Materially, I am doing well, good job, nice home, plenty of stuff, wonderful sons, cars that work, even pets. But love with a capitol L, love is missing from my life and has been for a while. And my birthday, a time when normal people gather up all their friends and go party together and get free drinks everywhere, reminds me that I don't have a large group of friends, or go party, or even am the kind of woman that men buy drinks for.
2) My kids aren't her to distract me from other things that are going on. They left with their dad and it hurts my heart to watch them go. It also sucks that the asshole can't come get them at a decent enough time for me to go do anything once they are gone.
3) I went on a date with a guy last weekend and had a really nice time with him. Very nice. He isn't perfect and I didn't assume there were going to be wedding bells or anything, but I felt like there was potential there. Well, we texted a few times over the week, but he's gone silent. And generally that means I've been blown off. I probably wont hear from him again unless he's looking to get laid, and he probably wont want to make any plans ahead of time at all. That isn't the kind of relationship I want. That isn't love, its sex. similar, fun, but not the same.
4) I was on a message board for people looking for luck in romance and was basically told that I am wasting my time looking. I'm over weight, I'm a single mom, I'm approaching thirty. No quality men will ever want me, the best I can hope for is to be screw buddies with an older man who doesn't want marriage or children. This upsets me. I try not to let it, but it does. To be told by people who seem to know what they are talking about that because I have kids, all I am worth is to be the woman that a guy calls when he wants sex is very hurtful. That isn't love, that isn't caring or support, Its allowing one self to be used.
5) I'm broke. I got paid, paid my bills, bought Isaiah a bed and beding and some groceries and stuff for around the house, and its basically gone. So even if I wanted to console myself with some shopping or a movie, I couldn't because it would be hugely irresponsible to spend that two weeks before I get paid again.
6) The all went away and the house was a pigsty, which I cleaned. If I were a better woman I'd feel a sense of accomplishment. Instead, I feel like I could have been doing something better.
7) I got into a fight with the ex over the phone when I called to see if he'd be decent and bring the kids back to me since I'm short on cash. He pisses me off so much and I've spent years letting it roll off my back, but listening to him talk about how he's made his life better after about loosing everything . . . got to me.
Because he has lived with four different women since I left him. They all think he's wonderful and put up with all his baggage and crap. I've been alone. He's the liar who only sees his kids when he has things arranged perfectly, I've been working my ass off to build an honest life. So why does he get to have that happiness in his life, while I'm still alone?
I feel like I could cry. I am just so tired of being alone. When does it stop. When will it go away?
2 comments:
Hugs Allie. You do sound so down. You'll feel better when your family is back home. You are doing so well and you've been wanting to find someone special for a long time. Sorry that hasn't happened for you. Maybe an older man might have more character.
They came home and I do feel better after having watched them jump on the Tramopline at a friends' house.
I wouldn't know how to approach a relationship with an older man . . . I can barely handle relating to people who are my own age.
I'm mentally retarded when it comes to interpersonal relationships . . . I can put work in and get results in almost any other area of my life . . but not this it seems.
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