A scare, a relief, and a revelation

First the scare - my period was a week and a half late and I was beginning to think I might be pregnant. This was especially distressing considering that I had my tubes tied three years ago. But, apparently its possible for them to "grow back". Terribly distressing, especially considering all the other 99% effective birth control that's failed on me.

Don't worry, I'm not pregnant. Definitely not. But the scare brought on some thinking and eventually some revelations.

revelation 1) I could live with having another baby. Its not something I want, I'm a single mom of three boys already. But I could make room in my life for a fourth child.

2) Jason, the guy I've been seeing on and off, is not a good thing in my life. That isn't to say he's evil or anything. Its just that, for those few days while I was worried I thought about what sort of parent he would be. He doesn't have a job now, so there would be no financial support, at least not until he was done with school and found a job. He lives 75 miles away and plans to move further in the other direction, to be near his son. He is smart and funny and not hard on the eyes, but he also lives a life that consists of three days spent playing penny poker at the bar for free beers when he wins a hand, a couple of days a week watching cartoons with his kid, and an evening or two partying at friends' houses. He's nice, but at almost 30, he lives like an over grown child. He makes me feel less like the worrier and planner I am because he never worries and never plans much of anything. He's fun to spend an evening or a weekend with, but would be a terrible spouse, partner, helpmeet.

3) I need to drop the man. I care about him, but this and some things he's done and arranged (via facebook) for me to see kinda jell the fact that I really shouldn't keep seeing him.

I need to be stronger than I have been lately. I need to let myself be okay with being alone with not a whole lot to do and anyone in particular to do it with. I need to grow myself, grow my self esteem, and grow my life before I look for the kind of mate I want. And I need to stop looking and stop settling for what I know isn't what I want and for people who do not inspire me to better than I am.

Five years ago I was sure no one would ever find me attractive. Three years ago I was sure no one would want to be around me because of how weird I am. I now know that neither one is true.

I now need to work on realizing that there is a man out there who is fun, makes me feel fun, and who will love me. And I need to stay out of the dating thing until I know that.