On my path

I don't know how to title this. I went and go tmy kids and found out that the asshat had kept them in the car all day, going from place to place for short visits but mostly keeping the kids cooped up in the car. Isaiah usually loves hanging out with his dad and had nothing nice to say about the vist. 

I was talking to my aunt earlier today. she is hosting thanksgiving this year and I wanted details about what to bring and when to come. turns out I am bringn green bean cassarole and I need to show up on sunday. 

She is worried about Grampa, he has odviously had early altzeimer's for a few years and he is getting bad, for lack of an better term. He gets weepy at unpredicatble times, can also be known to say ugly things if something gets his goat. He is getting physically weaker and (his girlfriend?) wanda says that he spends his days watching the stock market. He has always been a very robust person, a farmer and bussiness owner who was a work a holic and always up to something, he isn't anymore.

It makes me sad, but right now it is distant. He and my mother didn't get along well and so my grandparents were not a huge presense in my childhood. No one came to my highschool graduation but my dad. I think i may have gotten a card for graduating college. IT was a matter of, show up at the family get togethers and we'll be nice to ya, but don't expect us to go out of the way. 

And then my aunt gets to talking about her NA friends (If you don't know yet, my parents and most of my relitives of that generation were all druggies) and how the kids (he son and a daughter, my brothers) have all gone that way and are so stupid about it. And how they blame everyone else for how bad their lives are (My brother Tom especially thinks its someone else's fault he's such a looser). And then she throws in what a miracle my life is. 

I don't know how I feel about that. That by all odds and statistics I should be a drug-using, alcoholic, do nothing idiot like the yahoos she meets at the meetings. Should I feel priuder of myself? Or relieved? I don't know. I know that my life for the most part is lonlier then the lives of my brothers and cousins. I know that I have trouble standing in a room and feeling like I fit there. 

I think that is because, I haven't found a room full of people I fit in. I'm an alien. And what really scares me is that I may be raising aliens. Unable to really relate to anyone, and too shy to try.