It's almost here

I can't decide if I want christmas to get here or if I wish it would just stay away. I am tired of the gifting stress. I am tired of people asking me if I plan to travel over the holiday and then they get so sympathetic when I say no. 

What's wrong with not wanting to go anywhere? What's wrong with me wanting christmas to be about myself and my kids? Why give me that syruppy look. I'm sorry, most of my relatives either have no real interst in us, are too far away, or plan on being drunk and high that day - activities I am not interested in. 

I made "friends" with my two best friends from high school, on face book. I can't helo but feel like I may still be the looser of the group when I look at what they are up to. One runs a horse ranch and several on-line bussinesses. Must be making money, because I can't imagine showing horses is a cheap sport. The other one seems to be involved in some sort of christian themed promotion and organization. 

What have I done? Failed to get into medical school. Married a man I pretty much knew was an asshole at the time. Let him move me and the kids all over the country. Finally left, pregnant again. Spent time homeless and working looser jobs that didn't pay shit. And now what? I'm 27 and still don't have enverything together like I should. Don't own a house, my car is a gass guzzler that is 15 years old and likes to stall when it idels too long. 

Its just more evendense that I have run my life off the tracks and it may never get back. I know things are so much better then they used to me. But I also have pretty much cut ties, at least close ones, with everyone and everything. It feels safer that way, but it also gets tiresome, not having someone around I trust enough to really talk to . 

That being said, I am considering another long distance move. ITs a remost consideration at this point, and a lot can happen between now and the summer. But the gist is that I will graduate my master's program as a highly qualified science teach who can teach physical science, biology, and chemistry after this summer term. I am paid about half now as I would be able to make in a public school in kansas. There are openings for multiple science teachers in Doge city Kansas, I am sure that other, closer school will (and do actually) have positions listed as time goes on. The school I work at is not what it claims to be. The focus is not on academics but on fun. The kids are coddled and the rest of the staff have either checked out or are dead set on pushign their own agendas, which are drama, mass media, and extra curriculars, over class time. I can't teach when the kids are free to be out of class for bullshit (its been weekly lately), I don't get backed up (wrote up a kid for throwing things in class, he plays basketball and all he had to do was assure the principal that he wouldn't do it again), and the kids are all so over schedualed that they literally do not have time to study outside school. I'm sorry, you can't learn chemistry without memorizing a lot of things. Add to that the fact that I feel like half of what my boss does is pander for money and accolades, I just need something different.

I need to be in a school where I am not the only science teacher. I need to be in a district that isn't entirely dependant on donations and where there is some direct over sight for the administration (six drama field trips in one semester, did anyone else get a field trip in? No, no money for it). I feel like a selfish ass. I know that year one for any teacher at a school is a learning year. But I don't want to learn the porffession from these people. 

So anyway. I guess that means putting apps out and keeping a smile on my face and hoping that it isn't like this at all schools, although I think with stronger leadership it wouldn't be so damn annoying. 

One of these days we are going to put down some roots, just not yet I guess.