Darkness

The title doesn't fit my mood. And that's raised a question for me. The one or two people who are reading now may have noticed and I certainly have, that the tone of this has gotten a lot lighter than it was when I started blogging.

When I started blogging, everything in my life was dark. I was homeless. I was pregnant. I was working or attempting to work a job I hated and not making enough money to accomplish much. I hated my situation and felt abandoned and abused and ignored by the people in my life who I felt should have cared about me.

I think back to those days and it is so faint. Was I really that angst-ridden? Was I really so hopeless and trapped? No home, no car, no job, three kids? Was that me? It was.

Things aren't perfect now. I wish I was making more money. I wish we had a house instead of a duplex. I wish that my personal life was as successful as other aspects have been. I'm starting a special education certification program to maintain my eligibility for my apartment, I like LD kids, but the big reason is that I need to stay here.

So things aren't perfect. But they are so much better. I feel a peace and an ability to handle people and situations that I have never in my life felt. I know that things may get tighter before they get better. I know I may be forced to make a few difficult decsions in the future, such as moving my children. I know this. But I also know that I can handle it without having a breakdown and without getting hysterical.

Which raises the question, what is the source of this change in myself? Is it that the situation has improved and I know things can and are getting better? Is it internal a lifting of a clinical depression? A spiritual revitalization?

I guess the reason isn't hugely important, but I think it is. If it was situational, all that darkness, that's one thing. But if it was internal, if it was clinical, that's different. My mother had severe clinical depression, my dad, mom and brothers, as well as aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents all suffered from addictions, depressions, anxieties. That increases my risk of the same. What if that comes back and I am not strong enough to keep on going until it lifts?

Anyway, its worth thinking about.

In the mean time I am enrolled for next semester. I also went to dinner at a friend's home tonight. The kids came. I was so nervous, hadn't SEEN her since shortly after high school. In some ways it was like old times. In others it was like getting to know a stranger. The kids came, she has a farm with horses, ducks, chickens and guinne fowl. The little guys were intimidated by the horses but liked the dogs and ran all over the place. Isaiah talked her ear off and bonded with the horses. One was a four day old baby, so cute.

Tomorrow I go to that concert with Cheryl. I hope its fun. I don't plan to drink much, but sometimes I get there and forget that coke and rum is not coke. Then friday cheryl is coming to dinner. ITs like I've gone from having little to no social contact to having workds. Is that an improvement? Is that a reflection of some change in me? Or is it coincidental?