Did you ever

Feel pulled away from what you knew was best. Feel like you had allowed things to happen that shouldn't happen, but now that they are happening, they aren't so bad and kind of fun, so maybe they shouldn't stop quite yet?

That's my summer, right there. I've broken most of my rules. I've gone out and drank when my general policy is that I don't drink. I've fooled around because some one was there and willing. I've exchanged filthy text messages with a practical stranger just for the hell of it. I've let my idiot brothers invade my home.

None of this has made me any "happier" then I was. But it didn't make me miserable either. I am not drowning in guilt over my behvaior. Nor do i feel like my feet will scorch when I enter a church.

What I did feel is momentarily diverted. Which probably isn't worth the long term costs associated with all this. Like my drowned blackberry. Like the fact that while I am attracted to a certain member of the opposite sex, for more then just sex, I am not the woman that men ever find attractive. Too fat, too opinionated, too forward, too smart, too what ever.

So, I need to stop, and ther's another problem. I am not a person with a lot of friends. I'm just not. I don't have a lot of social time and I am a bit of a couch potato and I'm always with my kids. So the friend I've made in cheryl is no small event in my life. A freind who actually calls and chats, just to chat.

But I don't think her life style is one I can maintain. And I don't forsee her mellowing any.

But I guess that's how summers are. It gets hot, you get silly, and then fall comes and responsibility returns.

I will never be thin and glamourus. I will never be the object of someone's lust and desire. I will probably always be the sociall akward single mom who doesn't get out much.

I don't fit in anywhere. I guess I ought to get used to it.