Went by to see her and the baby after work. Took Isaiah but left the little two at daycare. We only stayed a few minutes. I remember what its like to just have had a baby and have people around all the time. And I had to get the little boys.
Anyway, my grampa was there. My aunt and uncle were there. I guess I'm not surprised that they went and saw the baby. But Noah was months old when Grampa finally came and met him. No one came and visited while we were in the hospital. Anyway, talked with them a while. Got to hold a tiny baby girl. Wasn't as sad as I thought I would be when I handed her back to her moma, knowing full well that I would never again hold my own newborn baby.
Tried to talk grampa into coming to visit while they were in town. They didn't show, even though I told them just how to get here. We played out side with nome neighbor kids. They have an intersting situation in that their dad's live in the complex but I don't think the moms do. Anyway, other people's toys are more fun so we were out there for an hour. The guys are younger then I am, and were getting ready for a big night out. I don't think I even remember how to get ready for a small night out, let alone how to juggle kids and "nights". Pathetic. Sometimes I wonder if I only live half a life. Maybe that's why I am always alone.
As soon as we were in and the kids had eaten, another friend and her son came over and played until seven thirty. Its weird to have seen and played with some many people tonight and still feel lonely. Must be chemical. anyway, the boys all played until mine got too tired and cranky to be fit to be around anyone. The friends went home and the little gusy cried through baths.
I'm so frustrated with work. This week alone we've been asked to donate money or represent something three times. Shouldn't it be unethical for employers to pressure employees to give money to a cause or join bowel a thon or work for free and pay one's way into a play? should us working for below market rates be donation enough?
Job hunt contiues. I have to mail and application packet to el dorado. That makes eight postitions I've applied for. I have to be out of this apartment by August first. I start to think about the costs of moving and renting a new place and what if no one hires me, and I get paniced and depressed and swear I am not going to spend any money at all. And then I get crany and want to run out for icecream and soda and comfort food.
I'm thinking about cutting my hair into something pretty and sleek and professional and still long and romantic. Right now its just grown out straight and one length, it falls to just past my bra when its down. I think its pretty, but sometimes I think it must look frizzy and dry and unstyled. ITs been bugging the crap out of me lately.
I'm also thinking about going to a nicer store and getting a nice suit type outfit. For interviews. Mostly what I have for work are semi casual separates. I like fitted button up shirts that I wear over tanks with kaki pants and brownish tennis shoes or leather slides. Kinda frumpy, of course, I'm kinda frumpy.
So, is this stress spending, or is this what you do when you are hunting for a job? I've been dreaming of zombi attacks again. Those terrible dreams that I can't wake up from and can't control enven though I know they must be dreams. I feel like I'm sleep walking all day and have these dreams at night. I'm irritable and mean if I don't keep track of my every word.
I don't know whats wrong with me.
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