Sometimes being female just sucks

Okay, figured out what was wrong with me. My old friend, PMS. Why does it not occur to me that the reason I feel exhausted, emotionally out of control, and like eating the entire grocery store is because I am about to start my period? 

I hate the idea of taking birth control since I had my tubes tied, there doesn't seem to be a point, expect that when I was on the pill, while not doing a whole lot to keep me from getting pregnant, I didn't have these severe of pms symptoms. Mybe I'll talk to a "female" doc and see what they think. 

Did you know there is no medical reason to have a period? Yup, when you are on the pill, the endometrial lining doesn't build up like it does when you aren't on the pill. The pill mimics certain pregnancy conditions, mainly stopping ovulation. The bleeding every month is because you stopped taking the hormones and the body thinks it lost an early pregnancy. I wonder if I can get just a daily pill, not the cyclical thing. I seriously don't want any more kids. I do want to stop spending over a week feeling like I've come down with the flue, severe depression, mono and schixophrenia all at the same time. 

Tonight, its music therapy. For some reason, some music just washes over me and makes me feel uplifted, transported and cleansed. The beatles is good for that. Pink floyde too. Some newer stuff too, but newer music also has a tendency to just piss me off. I don't know why. Maybe I was just born a few decades too late. I could have been a peace protesting hippy chich with bell bottoms and long hair. Hell, I have bell bottoms and long hair. 

Tonights post could and maybe should, have been called, the past is coming back to bite me. Isaiah has figured out that I am  a LOT younger then the other moms of his peers. It doesn't help that the grade school he goes to is the "good" grade school. More children of proffessionals and the finacially well off, and fewer kids of welfare moma and working stiffs. 

He has started just telling people, hey my mom had me when she was seventeen. I don't know if he thinks its cool or its a way to get some sort of poor baby attention and sympathy. I tell him he doesn't need to advertise the fact. That his mom also has a good job and takes good care of him and that my age isn't anyone's business.  I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I grew up keeping a whole shit load of sick secrets and didn't enjoy it. I don't want to put him in that same situation. 

Today I also had a student to a critical bit of arithmatic. They were talking about hand gestures, the one where people make a fit and touch knuckles with each other. They said that the president was too old to do that, let alone with his wife on TV. I asked how old was too old. They said, thirty. I said something like, oh good, I'm fine for another few years. 

And then someon asks, how old is your oldest son, they know I have kiddos. I said ten. She said, how old are you . . . I could see where this was going. I answered honestly and then changed the subject. 

Teenagers are taught that to be a teen mother is the end of the world. I know that for many many girls, its an end to plans and dreams and certainly seems like the end of the world. I know that parents and educators don't want them thinking that a welfare card and a HUD apartment look pretty good, so they will awfulize the picture of life after baby. 

I don't want to encourage anyone to seek out teen motherhood. Its not an easy road. The opposite is true actually. And it seems to follow me every where I go. But I don't like feeling like there is something deeply shameful about my son and my life. 

I hate that "doing the math" loook people get. I hate the assumptions that go with it. I just don't know what to do about it.  . . . .