It all started seven years ago. I was living in pitt with Gideon's bio-daddy. I was about to graduate the first time, hadn't made it into med school, and didn't have much of a fall back plan in place. We literally pulled up stakes and moved to Neodesha. I guess there was a check still out floating around when the bank account was closed. It wasn't intentional, I didn't even know it was out there.
Fast forward until early December and I get stopped. Then I get arrested. For a warrant for the check that was years and years old. I bailed out the same night and paid off the court. But something else happened then too. They ran my Driver's license and it was suspended, so I got a ticket for that (I didn't know until then that it had been suspended), because the license was out, the insurance was invalid. And I got a ticket for that.
Great. I called all over the state to find out what was up with my license, and found out I had tickets I don't ever remember getting that hadn't been paid. I suspect that it leads back to Mike taking my ID and letting some girlfriend use it. A white girl is a white girl on those things. He's tried to run scams with my stuff before.
So, I paid off the tickets, still have to get ahold of the state and find out if that reinstates my license. Probably will be a huge fee attached to that. the whole system exists to remove cash from people who can't afford to pay it.
The big problem is that I still have to get to joplin to work. I still have to get my kids around town and get groceries and run errands. I don't have a baby daddy or a rich relative or someone I can call to loan me the money or give me rides all over the place. I am an inpeccably safe driver. I go below the speed limit. I don't tail gate, I don't run lights. But since then I have been stopped two more times and been issued another round of tickets.
I know people love to hate on people like me. I can hear it. She's irresponsible. She's evil. She's bad, She's worthless single mom who wants sympathy from people.
Well, I'm sorry, it isn't fair. It isn't right to make people chose between breaking the law and paying their bills. It isn't right to remove the one thing that allows people to get around for petty fines.
So now I'm to the point that I am afraid to leave my house. I still have to go to work, but I risk it every time I go out.
I feel like a worthless phoney person who has been attempting to be in a group that I have no right to. I feel like shit. I want to go to bed and pull up the covers. I want to cry and yell and then go crawl under a hole. I want someone to hug me and tell me its going to be alright.
Do you know how long its been since I got anything from anyone that wasn't a shrug and a "well, you make these choices . . . "?
Why is this so hard for me, and so simple for others? Why do I fight my very nature all day every day, and others just thrive?
I want to go to bed.
2 comments:
Whoa, that is a load of crap. I have no great solutions that you don't already know about. Just remember that this too shall pass. You are far from a faker, you have no idea what skeletons lay in everyone's closet. You only know what they tell you. Don't be hard on yourself be hard on your brother, go to him and tell him this could be your disastrous for your family and demand he pays. I'm sorry to hear your troubles, and if I was there I would give you a well deserved hug and tell you everything will be o.k.
Thanks for that, but some of this is my fault. I knew something was up with my DL in august when my insurance company wouldn't let me renew (imagine having the cash and them not taking it). I called the state DL office but never could get through, and have literally been putting off digging into the issue until later ever since then. That's my fault.
And now I have three driving while suspended tickets. I have no idea what sort of hell will be rained upon me over that. Tom is letting me drive his car, his theory is that someone in the PD knows my kia and has told people to watch for it, that part pisses me off, I'm olny doing what I have to do to make sure my kids are fed and my bills paid, but they go after me as opposed to others.
As to getting mike to admit that he and his girlfriend may have caused all this, not gonna happen. He spend most of this winter in jail over his own ten year old crap. I only hope I don't spend the winter doing the same. I know I will be getting an $8400 tax refund, so maybe if I bed and plead and promise to pay up it'll be okay.
Until then. I'm scared.
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