So, figured I'd call my academic advisor and see where I was as far as credentialing goes, she wasn't in but was informed that I need to take three standardized tests between now and my having a license. I need to take a "teaching" test and then subject tests, at this point I need to take two to keep teching chemistry and biology. I'm not worried about the tests. Standardized testing is my only natural talent. I'm worried about the cost. Looks like its going to cost me upwards of three hundred dollars.
And I can't take them all at once and get it out of the way. I will end up taking on in april, one in june and one in july. Fifty dollars to register and then 90 and 80 dollars per test. How fun!
So, Also called Tennessee to see what it would take to teach there. They have to see the license from Kansas first. And the licensure from Kansas wont be in until all the testing is done. In other words, August before I even know if I can teach there, let alone apply for jobs and move out there.
I told dad I would look into it. And now I did. It will involve jumping through a lot of hoops and I don't know if it will be doable or not. I do wish we were closer to dad just because the boys miss him so much, and they need a male adult they can look up to. Whatever magic or allure it takes to date and find another partner, I don't have. I've tried online dating, nothing but a couple of guys who don't have great jobs and seem to live with their mothers would email me back if I emailed them. I don't drink so I don't go to bars. I've tried single adult church groups, but that type tends to consider a woman with two kids off limits. I guess if the person doesn't believe in divorce, they won't date a divorcee.
Its funny, as a christian I believe that my sins are forgive, as if they had never happened, at least as far as God is concerned. But its like the group of christians in any church that grew up in stable christian homes, don't want to have anything to do with people who didn't grow up christians. People who've made a few mistakes in their personal lives, and ended up married and then divorced or parents, don't even fit in. Its like they will forgive anything, but not accept anyone who has that outward evedence of not having always followed the rules of behavior.
I don't think I am explaining this very well. I feel like any church I go to will, more or less, accept us going and let the kids participate in sundya school activities and invite us to dinners and what ever else the whole group is doing. But they wont ever look at me and accept me as a christian woman. I will always be, in their earthly eyes, a woman who made a mistake and needs to live with the consequences.
I don't think this has anything to do with theology or the bible and everything to do with flawed humans having an attitude that they don't even realize is hurtful and bigoted. I get angrey at the attitude, but not at the people I get it from, they don't really know any better.
But the other thing is that I am a christian. I do have a belief in Jesus Christ. As a christian woman, I want to be married to a christian man. I value myself and my children enough to know what is good for myself and I am not willing to settle for less. I don't want to be that single mom who settles for the idiot guy becuase he is the only person who will give her the time of day.
So here I am. Discouraged and not sure what to do other then selve the whole idea for now. I'm busy with school and work and kids and truth be told, don't have a whole lot of room for dating right now anyway. With the kind of men I like not willing to even look at me in that way, and the men who are willing the kind I am not interested in, there isn't a whole lot else to do.
Expect take comfort in my kids who have a safe and stable parent and in the fact that I don't compromise on the important stuff.
There is part of me that thinks maybe a move east, to where the population is denser would give me more options. But that is the silliest reason to move cross country. How the hell would I get my stuff there anyway?
No comments:
Post a Comment