And then came home, this class ends earlier in the evening and so I had a chance to cuddle and play with the little guys while they bathed, which is best for all of us, before they went to bed. A friend and I got to chatting on facebook. She teaches out in Wichita, says she likes working for the system and that it pays extremely well. She may be coming through the area in a few weeks, and sort of invited us to visit her in Wichita, so that was nice.
Anyway, I guess I just have to stop and let myself be sad about missing mom sometimes. She wasn't the easiest person to live with, and her dying certainly changed my course and circumstances, and not really for the better.
But I have done a lot since then, and did some growing that I don't think she would have necessarily let me do. She liked to orchestrate and run everyone and everythign around her. And that especially included her children. I don't think one of us had a teen aged problem or issue come up that wasn't in some part caused, encouraged, or exaggerated by her actions. Her illnesses were just another way she had of controlling and running the show.
If it sounds like I'm speaking poorly of the dead, I don't mean to, It simply want to explain why I don't spend a lot of time day to day, missing her. BUt I do miss her. I do see things everynow and then and think that she would enjoy them. I do wish she could see and play with my youger two sons.
But I don't miss the walking around on eggshells. I don't miss worrying about what I would find when I came home. I don't miss her sublte way of undercutting me as a mom. Maybe that is a common issue when the mother in question had the child at seventeen. Maybe its just a crazy mom issue.
Whatever the reason. I'm better today.
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