My Easter in a nutshell

So, I didn't do baskets this year because I thought we had some old ones laying around. Couldn't find them. 

I didn't buy candy and plastic eggs because I can't handle the super hyperness that comes with a lot of candy being in the house. And if they aren't hyper, then its a fight to be telling them no all the time. 

I didn't buy stuffed bunnies because my kids really don't play with stuffed animals. We have a toybox that is over flowing with the things that no one does anything with. 

We boiled and dyed eggs because that's fun, and the kids had fun finding them this morning. they don't like eating them, I think I will be eating egg salad for a month. 

We got up this morning and things went well. Got the eggs hidden and found. Got showered, hair done and myself dressed. Kids ate a good breakfast. We managed to get to church just in time. Not running late, not insanely early. 

And then things started to go very bad. SOmeone at church had decided that only the infants would be in the back during the service, usually all the kids are, in classrooms by age group. I like it that way. I can't have a spiritual experience if I'm fighting with my little two. 

Well, Gideon doesn't handle changes in plans well, He had planned to be in the play room with other kids during most of church. He had not expected to have to sit in a pew for two hours and not be disruptive. Noah is two, he tried, but he's two. He, they let go into the nursery. Gideon fought with Isaiah, He asked to be taken to the bathroom several times. 

He got away from me and literally ran in circles in the lobby, making noise, yelling at the top of his voice and refusing to quiet down. I tried time out, it was a fight. I tried distracting him, but I had nothign with me to do it and he didn't want to be distracted, he wanted to play. 

At some point some random church lady comes out and asks "how we're doing". I tried to explain, he may be mildly autistic (which is true) and can't handle sitting still all the time. She makes a snarky comment to her friend, I guess I wasn't supposed to hear, about her friend having an autistic child who never acts like this. 

He calms down a little with an adult who isn't mom giving him undevided attention. But he's still jumping around on furniture and being very kinetic (because that's Gideon, kinetic) and not paying attention to the colors someone found for him or the sermon or the singing (because you know I like the singing, it would be nice to get to participate). I was so embarassed. 

I finally got fed up. It looked like things were finishing up, I grabbed Isaiah and our stuff, sprang Noah from the nursery, and left before the service officially ended. 

I can't take them back there. Now they all are thinking what a terrible parent I am, if we go back there will be all these humiliating looks, people feeling sorry for my kids to have such a terrible family life. People feeling like I must have really been bad before I was a christian to be saddled like that. Because people who are only a little bad just have a neat story about how they lived with a boyfriend or drank a lot. The real sinners, we have these little scarlet letters that follow us around and wont let us have two hours on a sunday to sing and read the bible and have a little fellowship. And they probably don't diserve what peace they do get. 

How is it that I can have such faith in my faith, and keep being so profoundly disappointed in the people who follow it better then I do? 

So, now I'm cranky and feeling sorry for myself and my dad is with his new family and his folks having a grand time, and hasn't even bothered to call me and I am about convinced that the life I want is closed to me. YOu know, a real relationship with someone who isn't a child who lives my children who won't be constantly making me feel small and wothless. I can't even find a church that wont do that.