Back to the grind

Grrrr. Okay, I know that three year olds are not the most rational people in the world. I understand this. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish my three year old were less stubborn and willfull and more into being cute. YOu know, the cute toddlers that everyone wants to see. They never have sticky hands, they smile and flirt and giggle and never scream or throw public fits or run around when they shouldn't. They have good mothers who never seem like harried crazy women.

BUt, no, Gideon is willfull. Gideon whines and wont sit still in public and wants to run around and when he isn't allowed to run around, he screams and goes limp and fights his mom, all in public. And I end up looking like I am either incredibly irresponsible or a complete pushover.

I guess I should back up. Tonight was Isaiah's karate lesson. I thought, wouldn't it be nice if we all went and watched big brother. But that isn't what happend. Gideon was running into the floor were the people were trying to practise, or running up and down the bleachers (this was in the gym at the high school) When I tried to get him to sit still he went limp, fought and screamed. I ended up sitting in the car with the little two while Isaiah finished inside.

I really, seriously, momentairily, considered taking him back and asking to exchange him for a nice, docile toddler. I guess it doesn't work that way.

I really don't know if this is all my fault or if he really does have something wrong with the way he is wired. I wish I were a better mom. Then I would be able to control mu child in public without coming off as an abusive looser who gets out smarted by a three year old.

I know, you guys keep suggesting that I hire a babysitter and just go out once in a while. I am honestly afraid to leave any one alone with these kids. I'm their mom, and I find them to be stressfull and over whelming, especially when their routin is disrupted (sure fire way to put gideon on the war path is to screw with his routin), I can't imagine the hard time they would give a stranger I paid to watch them for a few hours.

I am more worried about that, gideon goign balistic and the person freaking out and either hurting him or taking off, then I am about them beign served junk food, staying up too late, the person having a friend over or the person letting them watch a scary movie. I think that says something, but maybe I am wrong.

My dad's folks are visting there is tennessee. I guess we are having a video call tomorrow. I have trouble working up much warth for those people. I am their oldest grandchild, but they were completely absent. They and my parents had some sort of huge fight when I was still a baby and my youngest brother wasn't even born yet. There were no cards, no presents, no calls no letters. Nothing. When mom was in the looney bin and dad was drinking a liter of booze a day, I wrote them letters, begging for someone to come rescue us kids. I was eleven, tom was 10, mike was eight. We were left on our own most of the day. Dad worked three to eleven and after work drank and partied with friends and slept all day until it was time to go to work. He kept groceries int eh frindge and made sure the utilities were paid. Other then that, it was entirely fend for ourselves. My mom's relatives came by once in a while, counted the booze bottles in the garbage, and then left.

I never got any answers to those letters. I remember writing them. I remember teh liza frank stationary and looking up the address in my dad's stuff. I guess I don't have much use for a couple of people who were so cold-hearted they couldn't even call their grandchild who was goign through somethign like that. Mybe I am the cold hearted one.

Its nine, I'm tired and my whole body aches from wrestling with my son. I'm goign to take a bath and go to bed. Tommorow will be better, right?