Betrayal

What do you do when a person you trust and admire batrays that trust. Uses what they know against you and endangers your family? It sounds paranoid, but that is the case.

I thought I had a family here, not flesh and bone, but I guess I don't. I guess I should back up. I tried to go get my driver's license today. I have all the paperwork cleared with the state, its just a matter of getting to a testign station, taking the tests, and voila, I'm legal.

To get there, I drove my self to indy, met up with my brother tom, and then we all went to the DMV. Weeall, the car has a tiny crack in the windshield, it isn't a big deal, but they won't let me test with that car. TOm didn't know anyone who had a decent car to barrow. I called my good friend. Who at the moment was sitting with Isaiah, waiting to take him to get a haircut. (which irritated me to begin with because she was talking about having them give him a crew cut, I hate super short cuts on non-military people, looks moronic. I felt like it was over stepping to insist on the when and where of the haircut, not to mention the cut itself).

Well, nope, she didn't feel like me getting licensed was worth changing her plans for. AndI got a little short with her. Because she makes it so odvious how much she is put out by helping me get around and makes me feel guilty for asking to stop by the grocery store for a gallon of milk.

I get home with the other two, very dissappointed. I no sooner get them in the house when teh lady from social services shows up. Someone had called a complaint in. They accused me of driving the kids around without a license (true, bad sue the fuck out of me, I had shit to take care of). They reported that the bathroom was scary (dirty laundry, BFD), that Isaiah is allowed to watch CSI and the X-Files and that the other night at nine he made and ate raman noodles. The person also reported that the kids went out without their coats zipped up. (It was a fairly warm morning and we were in a hurry).

There is only one person who knew those things about me. I don't think anything there is worth calling social services. But there the DCCA lady was telling me that I was in for it now, and of course she can't tell me WHO called, but I know who called.

So here we are, I am betrayed by a person who is mentally unstable, who wants children and thinks she is a qualified expert on them. Who is regestered with the local foster agencies and has been talking about being willing to just take a kid to raise for months. Calling social services on me.

Either I am a much worse mother then I thought, or I have been trusting the wrong people. People who talk about god's love and redemption and leading upstanding lives, and they have been whispering and rustling behind my back.

Maybe I am delusional and paranoid ans shouldn't have my kids. I have always wanted my sons to have a different sort of childhood then I had. Where I had secrets and chaos and dark strangling panic, I wanted them to feel like there were no dark secrets, like they could count on what would happen day after day, like there are no monsters in the world who consume innocence.

But tonight I ressurrected one of my mother's favorite rules. "Don't tell no one nothing about what happens here." Its terrible, but I feel trapped and scrutinized and hemmed in and frankly, persucuted.

I keep trying to talk myself into believing that it wasn't her, that some other person did this terrible thing to me. It is a terrible thing. It is threatening my children's safty and stability. Foster care is not a good place to be. Kids are treated like commodities, warehoused for cash. They are as likely to be physically abused and neglected and end up in jail-like group homes as they are to be nurtured and cared for, and no one cares for foster kids like they do their own.

I just want to be able to drive, to not be so dependant on such judgmental and hypocritical people. SO that I can be their mom. SO that I can be the one to take him to get a haircut. SO that I can be them one who decides when we go shopping.

I guess that was too much to ask. I guess this person secretly likes keeping me dependant and reliant, they have a captive audience and the control over my movements. I don't want to live like that. And I won't.