Well, that about sums it up. I am anxious over the long awaited doctor visit in a few days and anxious about work too. I know its just me missplacing my anxiety, but I feel . . . wrong.
Like I may be sick, but not really. Like I am feeling guilty, but I don't have anything to be guilty about. Like something is sneackin gup on me, but nothing is there. I find myself rehashing old and recent conversations and exchanges and worrying that I said something wrong. I feel like there is something unsaid hanging in the air, waiting fo rme to say it. But I can't figure out what that thing is.
Maybe it is the approaching aniversary of mom's death. Her death day. Six years I have been an orphane. Six years I have been without that crazy, strong, silly and wise person who was so important in my formation. She was the source of any strength I have, and the originator of most of my nightmares. And I miss her. I should be better then this. I am an adult woman. I was grown when she died. This shouldn't be such a huge thing.
Maybe it isn't. Maybe I am worried about missing so much work. I had to leave early again today, this time it was Noah who was sick at adaycare. Running a fever and literally fell asleep on his feet (leaning over a foot stool). Got him home. He slept all day. Woke up fussy and hungrey. FEd him, gave him a fever reducer. Other then being a little tired looking, like sunken around his eyes, he was fine. But there was some discharge frim his ear. I called the doctor's, but they wouldn't call in a script without seeing him, so I guess I am missing work again tomarrow.
Anyway, the tiem off work let me do some phone-leg work. Bought car insurance. Should be good for a Driver permit now. Just have to wait for paper work to move. Going to get the money to pay for the actual car tomarrow too.
Anyway, I guess all these things, mundane and profound and silly and serious have converged and are messing with my psyche. I don't know if I need a job or a hot bath or I don't know what. Edgy, irritable, don't know what to do with myself.
I think I'll take a handful of benedryl and go to bed early with a scary movie on, that way at least I'l have something to blame this feeling on.
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