Bad and Badder

Why is it that spring break always brings chilly weather with it? IT was nice last week while eveyone had to be inside, now the forcaste is just cild enough to discourage actually going outside, but insidiously, its been sunny, so you WANT to go out, but once you get out there, you realize that its not al that nice.

On top of that, we all seem to have the stomache flue. Started with gideon, then noah had it, Isaiah was sick with it today. I'm not sick yet, but after spending three days around sick kids, I won't be surprised if I get sick.

HAd to write a paper about preterm infants for class. I hated it, the whole thing. Thinking about sick babies, Having to justify either providing treatment to babies who were not likely to ever be normal or not provided and risk putting the one kid that would have turned out ok in its grave. And for me the whole thing is purely acedemic. Don't know how I"d handle it in real life. I guess I am blessed to have three healthy boys.

And they do keep things interesting. Noah is so fun right now, even though he isn't feeling 100%, he is still neat. He likes hading people things and I you sat "thank you" when he hands you something I swear he says it back to you. He also remember where he puts things. He was fussing earlier this evening and went crawling into the bedroom, I followed him in when he didn't stop fussing (sometimes if you give him a few minutes he'll find a toy and calm down) he had found his bottle from where it had rolled under his bed and was bringing it back to me to fillwith milk. I gave him a clean one and put him to bed.

It's just so neat to see that little mind coming to light.

Gideon is such a big brother. He leads the baby into trouble and then looks innocent when he starts crying, or pulls something down he shouldn't. Isaiah likes being big brohter too, will caryyt he baby around and just make him smile.

I'm glad I have this little family of mine. I wiffel between just forgetting what happened with my friend, but then I remember the absolute ridicoulusness of it all and get pissed all over again. Not a very forgiving person I guess. I just can't put her in a position to do that again. I'm weird. I either trust someone 100% no doubts, or not at all. I guess these people who haven't even bothered to call and ask ME why I'm so upset with them, now have to fall into the not at all category.

Which makes me feel very lonely. I was talking to an aquantence of dad's that moved from tennesee with the cobalt plant. She has RA too. She told me that she is almost completely dependant on her husbad for getting around and keeping the house and even gettign dressed. That scares me so much. I still don't have a definitive diagnosis and the only treatment I'm on is ibupropehn at doses that are really not good to the tummy. I'm afraid that I'll get to be like that while the kids are still little. Only Idon't have a kind husband who'd help me. I'm it. I'm all they have. ITs so not fair.

I'm practically a shut in, have almost not social skills (you know, small getting to know yo stuff and flirting, really not good at it), and serious trust issues. And yet I really wish I wasn't so alone in this world. Oh well, with what I went through this week, maybe it is best not to let anyone get too close. Even though as I type it I know its reduculous.

Next week entirly off. I hope it stays warm. I want to get my nice camera out and take some real pictures of the kids. When I'm having a good film day, the shots look almost professional, good enough that the lady where I develop them makes me sign copywrites. I did a couple of senoir pictures last year, didn't come out too bad. The digital camera make me lazy though.