Daylight Savings

Well, we managed to get to church this moring. I wasn't sure we would because I (of course) overslept, but we ate rolls in the car and everyone else was late too, so no one noticed we were. I really enjoy this church. If I don't end up uprooting my kids and myself again, I think I'm going to join when I get less busy. 

Anyway, I wanted to visit just a little afterward, but Gideon had other plans and went into full blown melt down mode. Complete with screaming, running into a corner and kicking at anyone who got close to him. Its like a switch gets flipped and instead of my charming loving four year old, its this half feral creature that would hurt you if it was big and strong enough. The behavior scares me. And I wonder if it isn't evedence of my massive failure to be an effective parent. I fear for his future. Will he be able to function as an adult. Will he be the weird kid at school with no friends who ends up goign bizerk? Will he end up in some group home for high functioning autistics or whatever the hell he is? Will he get so big that I can't handle him and get taken away from me? Am I making too big a deal out of this? 

Isaiah doesn't like it either, but he doesn't help. He thinks screaming at gideon to shut up or grabbing him and trying to force him to move will help, but it only excalates things. I can tell Gideon he needs to hush and he will sometimes attempt to calm down, or i can take him firmly by the arm and guide him to where I want him, in this case, the door. I'm always afraid it will look like child abuse. Yesterday he cried all through walmart and occasionally threw himseld down on the ground and flopped around, and then I would get him to stand up and walk with me while he continued his fit. People look. sometimes they comment. I wish I could make it better. 

But then he can be so nice. I was sitting on my bed grading and watching a few shows on hulu and he stood beside me and played very calmly and creatively with a toy dinosaur and a car and everynow and then the dinosaur would steal my pen or the car would crash and I would have to fix it. He likes it when I sing four little ducks and old macdonald and the ABC song. He's affectionate and sweet. And then he gets made and lashes out. 

Anyway, when we got home noah went down for a nap and slept for ev er. He woke up cranky and fevered. Can't find the thermometer, but I'm sure its on the high end of not quite alarming. I gave him tylenol and let him sit on me and be cute in that sick and pathetic sort of way. He eventually put himself back to bed and slept another hour before repeating the up and lounging on mom act. He also cried for quite a while and the fever was back as soon as the tylenol wore off. I called in a sub and emailed her some time wasting lessons that would keep the kids busy nad maybe learn them a thing or two, if she follows the instructions. 

I'm going to take noah to the docs or urgent care tomorrow, I think this makes three earaches since thanksgiving, he either needs a different antibiotic or tubes. I really don't want tibes, what the hell would I do with the rest of my brood while one was in the hospital? 

But then, that's what being alone as I am is, isn't it? Its not having someone to call when you need a place to drop the kids. Its not knowing what you would do if you got hurt or sick. Its being three quarters convinced that the line between just fine and absolute disaster is razor thin and getting thinner. Maybe I should take dad up on that naggin he's been doing about moving closer to where he is. 

I doubt I will. I like Kansas too much. I can't sleep, and moring will come early.